What does it mean to be Kind and Firm at the same time?

There are four criteria for effective Positive Discipline:

1.  Is it kind  and firm at the same time?

2.  Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance?

3.  Is it effective long-term?

4.  Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character?

This week, we'll look at the first criteria.

Kind and firm at the same time - Kindness is important to show respect for the child.  Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation.  You can set boundaries (firmness) in a respectful, loving, kind way.  This is sometimes really hard to do as a parent, as our kids will push our buttons.  However, if we are asking our kids to control their behavior, then should we not control ours?  Is this not especially  true when our buttons are being pushed, thereby modeling the behavior we want our kids to learn.  If you need to take time to calm down, that's okay - just tell your child that (you are again modeling good behavior!), and come back when you can calmly be kind and firm.

Often, parents will be too firm when they are upset with a child, or when they don't know what else to do.  They will then feel bad about having been too firm, and bee too kind and permissive. 

Kindness is not being permissive.  It is not doing things to please our children, or rescuing them or protect them from disappointment and failure.  Being kind means being respectful of your child and of yourself. It is respectful to validate their feelings, "wow, you seem really stressed", as an example.  It is respectful to have faith in your child that they can survive disappointment and development a sense of being capable in the process. 

So what do you do if your child is speaking disrespectfully to you?  One kind and firm way to handle this is to leave the room.  You can't make the child treat you with respect, but by leaving the room, you are treating yourself with respect, and is a great model for your child.  You can always come back later to talk about why you left the room.  So you then might follow up with, "I'm sorry you were so angry before, and I respect your feelings.  I did not respect how you handled your feelings.  Whenever you treat me with disrespect, I'll leave for a while.  I love you and want to be with you, so when you are ready to be respectful, I'll be glad to be together". 

If you would like to learn more about what "kind and firm" looks like, and how to parent using Positive Discipline, check out our fall class schedule at www.positivedisciplinewesternct.org.

Positive Discipline of Western CT promotes and encourages the development of life skills and respectful relationships in families, schools, and businesses in our local communities. We will provide classes to parents, caregivers, educators, and youth development workers, teaching how to raise a child using Positive Discipline skills.