"Where did we get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?”

said Jane Nelsen, who has taken the work of the psychologists Adler and Dreikurs, and developed Positive Discipline.  When our children make mistakes, how often are we criticizing them, scolding them, or yelling at them?  When our children did poorly on a test, how often do we blame them for watching too much TV, or not studying enough?  Do we really think our children will change their behavior in a lasting way when we respond this way?  We should each stop and think about how we feel and felt when we are criticized, blamed and shamed.  Are we actually able to learn?

  "Children do better when they feel better," Jane Nelsen said.

 So how do we help our children feel better, without praising them for every little thing they do? 

 I know I grew tired of our boys receiving trophies and medals, even if their team came in last place.  Every time they came home from school with a star sticker on a paper or picture, I wondered how that star helped them.  They become "praise junkies" when we tell them "good job" too often.  So what can we do differently?

We can encourage them rather than praise them.  Here are some examples:

Praise: "All A's.  You get a big reward."

Encouragement: "You worked hard.  You deserve it."

Praise: "I'm so proud of you."

Encouragement: "You must be proud of yourself."

 Praise: "I'm glad you listened to me."

Encouragement: "How do you feel about it?"

 Encouragement will help our children build their own self-esteem.  Praise helps them look to others to believe in themselves.  So should you stop praising your children all together?  No!  It is all about balance.  It is important to give more encouragement than praise. 

 This is one of the many tools you can learn and practice in our 6-week  Parenting the Positive Discipline Way classes.  If you would like to learn more, please come to a free introductory class or sign up for a six-week parenting class - visit www.positivedisciplinewesternct.org

Next free introductory class will be held:

Tuesday, September 10, 7-9 PM, Brookfield Library.  email carol@positivedisciplinewesternct.org to pre-register!