Moms Q & A: Family Valued

Thirty-five years ago, the Women's Movement strived for equal rights in the workplace. Today, women have been there and done that, and many have realized that a career is not worth it without a good balance at home. Things have indeed changed for the better, to the credit of those who burned their bras in defiance of stereotypes.

 “Being a mother is a choice now, it's not like we have to have six kids,” said Vickie Lehmer, mother of two children, ages 5 and 2. “People can wait now until they are ready, and they can have as many or as few as they want.”

That may seem obvious, but it wasn't always that way.  Having that choice has become a two parent decision, rather than an imposed expectation by family, religion and community.

In many families, fathers have become much more involved in activities like diaper changing, previously thought of as women's work. “My kids are very close with their dad, even though he works 50, 60 hours a week," said Lehmer.  "He is very involved. It makes a big difference in how you feel as a mom. It feels like you are not in it alone.”

 Robert Behan was keeping an eye on his four year old daughter at the Danbury Fair Mall while his wife shopped. “I work shift work, and my wife does, too. If I am the one who's home, then I watch the kids,” Behan said. “When I was young, I loved my dad and we did a lot together, but it was more unique, unusual, to spend time with him.”

 Behan said that because they both have busy schedules, he usually finds that he does whatever needs to be done with the kids, and he also cleans up around the house. “It can be hard,” Behan said. “Especially when they have tantrums.” 

Parents may be happier in their relationship and their roles when they are both actively engaged in parenting. Joseph DeDonato was seen walking through the mall, wearing a 27 month old twin in a backpack. His wife, wearing the other twin, was shopping at the computer store. DeDonato believes sharing parenting is the only way to go.

 “We're a team, 100%. Active parenting is what it's all about; doing it together, doing it right,” Joseph DeDonato said.

 His wife, Wendy DeDonato, agrees, and has no isssues with doing all of the housework. “He is out working thirteen hours a day,” Wendy DeDonato said. “That is my contribution.”

 The dust has settled since the 1970s, and there is more respect for child rearing and household chores. The domestic arts are no longer looked upon as lesser work, and while traditional roles may always exist to a great extent, women who stay home with their children will never again be categorized like the passive women of televisions shows from the 1960s, such as Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best.

Physician Marivic Botta has two children and continues to work part time.“It's all about balance," she said.  "I have a two and a six year old, and I work three days a week because I enjoy it, then the rest of the time I am home with the kids. I am lucky because I don't have to work, but working part time makes for a happy balance.”

For some, there is residual guilt about continuing to stay home after the kids are grown. “When you have children, you kind of lose yourself a little bit, it makes you want to go back to what you had before children. But it isn't just about having a job or making money, if you can find something fulfilling,” Marivic Botta said.

That was exactly what Sandra Brazo worked towards and seems to have made great strides on the path to happiness. “I worked when we needed an income, but once my husband made enough that I could stop working, I did. We wanted to do what was best for the children,” she said.

 Mother of three, Brazo said, “I see my old co-workers and I get a lot of, “What do you do all day long?!” But I don't have a day when I am bored or looking for something to do. I do a lot of volunteering in the schools, PTA, sports teams. You know, even as the kids got older, they needed me home.”

 What do you think? Do you and your spouse split the work in the home? Do you feel your work in the home is valued, or do you feel that without an attached monetary value, it is less meaningful? Tell us your thoughts!