Do Parents go Overboard on Birthday Parties?

I remember only one of my birthday parties as a kid and that may have been the only party I had.

I think I was 12. We wore party hats and my mom knew how to decorate cakes so I felt so special to have a beautiful cake for my birthday. Back then, I don’t recall hearing about “themed” parties.

Do you remember your birthday parties as a kid? Many of us didn’t even have them. And that was ok. We didn’t know any better.

Fast forward to today. Are we as parents out of control with yet another aspect of parenting? Extreme birthday parties seem to be the newest attraction. There is even a television show about them.

My children were invited to a few elaborate parties when they were younger and still do now as they are older. Sometimes parties required the participants to wear a certain type of clothing. For some teens, it means going out and buying a new dress to attend a friend’s 16th party at a catered banquet hall or restaurant.  

Why do people feel compelled to go to such measures? How far will parents go for their kids? When is it too much? There are those that believe extreme parties put unnecessary pressure on other parents. Some parents do not allow their children to such parties because it may make them feel inadequate.

Amy enjoys planning birthday parties for her daughters and she lets them decide what theme they would like to have. She likes to make the cake herself and loves seeing their excitement.

“There’s nothing better than celebrating a person you love and the fact that they are here with you,” she said. “We’re only young once and birthday parties don’t last forever, so I think it’s important to enjoy them while they last and make them fun and memorable.”

Amy believes a party can be fun and memorable without going overboard.

Allison “hates” kids’ parties. Her house is small and having parties is difficult. About five years ago she decided to let her children choose between a birthday party or $100 cash, plus a day with the family and lunch anywhere they wanted.

Without a blink of the eye, her children chose the cash and family day.

“We have the best birthday memories now, and I save at least $100 each birthday – no renting places, no favors, no feeding ungrateful people, no cake, no planning, NO STRESS.”

Teresa has only family and close friend parties for her kids. She feels some parties are outrageous.

“We do cake and ice cream at home, if there are other kids coming I will make a few goody bags and they can play as long as they like but that is about the extent of it,” she said. “Personally it makes me sad to watch some of these shows about the super 16th birthday party. Those kids don’t appreciate anything because everything is handed to them and they expect more and more.”

According to psychologist Dr. Sylvia Gearing, parents should not feel bad if they cannot throw huge parties. As long as you make it enjoyable for your child, the party can be a success. Extreme parties can often do more harm than good warns Dr. Gearing and can alter a child’s expectations of reality.

It’s also created a new industry. There are plenty of people in the birthday party business now.   

A group in St. Paul, Minnesota called Birthdays Without Pressure was created by a group of parents and educators. It began with a vision to start a local and national discussion about “out of control” birthday parties for children. They ask the question: What is an out of control birthday party, why they have gotten out of control, what are the consequences for kids and parents and what can parents do about it?

The web site also gives some real life examples of out of control parties like parents registering their children on Amazon.com, throwing “half birthday” parties, and 7 year-olds in rural Minnesota getting picked up in a stretch limo to go to a friend’s party.

There is a section to rate your community. The Ellington community went along with the state’s average of nine. Nine fell into the High Pressure Community category which said: High pressure community - You probably live in a land of hyper-parenting. Find allies and start a local Birthdays Without Pressure group. The national average is nine.   

They offer some suggestions for a stress-free celebration:

• Have gift-free parties; say it right on the invitation that presents will be given to charity.
• Try simple activities such as a treasure hunt.
• Plan and prepare for the party with the birthday child.
• Throw family only parties
• Don’t have gift bags
• Give theme-free parties
• Do community service in lieu of a party
• For every gift received, give something away
• Have the birthday child help make a cake for his or her class with a focus on giving

However you celebrate your child’s birthday, the most important thing is to let the child in on the planning. Remember the three S’s: Keep it simple, safe and short.