I can't believe it has been more than a month since my last blog. Not sure this pace will establish a whole community of conversations and vibrancy like these things are supposed to create. My motives lean more to "processing" through my writing, allowing the "cloud" to receive my thoughts so I get room to figure my stuff out. If they help anyone else, that would be very nice too!
I didn't get those jobs I was so pumped about. I spent the night at Canyon Ranch and had a phone interview with Wanderlust Festival. They both had to do with my focus field of "health and well being". I was myself in each and had the skills and the passion to do both. But they didn't work. CR hired from within and Wanderlust didn't say. Job search is a dicey process: you must give it all you have and leave nothing back, otherwise, you're filled with "what ifs?" in the aftermath. I am back on the horse with other opportunities and wondering when it will end and trying to avoid saddle sores.
A separate but related event happened yesterday. I attended a therapy session with my daughter and learned she wants me to back off and not worry about her so much. Rather, she wants me to take care of ME more and through that, learn from my example. GEEZ! I feel so hurt. I live my life that way I choose without changing trajectory because of those close to me. But, there is something in what she said that is powerful: I should consider living and loving from my center without trying so hard to "push" and "affect" people and events around me. The "circles" I speak of in this blog title refer to the Venn diagram we've seen of two overlapping circles representing us and our relationships. Easy to see, so hard to do! I am my own person with feelings, dreams, loves and preferences. It IS easy to get distracted from working on my own stuff by people around me like daughters, employer interviewers and others. If I can live from my loving source, things are easier, almost effortless. Practicing "self care" is not selfish. It is the Way. Being in my blissful, natural place, I am clear, sure, calm and safe. We all have it. I take forthright steps each day to reach out and make the connections which make up the richness of life! But without remorse over the outcome. I have to be in my circle while simultaneously being open and loving for my daughter as she expands in hers. My insecurities drive a neediness for specific responses from others to my actions. Like, I do favors or things for others and wait for the big "thank you!" payoff. That is co-dependent and flawed. To be whole, I must give and do in my life with conscious choice, without expectations of things in return.
This stuff makes me feels like, "will I be all alone in my little state of self imposed bliss?" My heart and mind say "No!", that I must let go and allow life to flow in response to my actions. What Life does is not in my control. I am still hurt from my daughters comments. Doesn't she see all I doing for her? Or how badly I want her to be happy, fulfilled and growing? Yes, she does. She has spoken her Truth to me which can't be easy. I know it isn't. Big breath...
Okay, I will take a shower, have a second cup of coffee this sunny Fall Saturday and let go of the energies I am using to affect so many things around me. I will settle back into my circle and be still, knowing I am safe, loved and loving. Back on that horse. Hi-ho Silver!
Peace, lasting health and acceptance to all of you.
