In addition to ignoring misbehavior, effectively praising its opposite is one of your most powerful tools. If your attention is the prize, then giving it for the opposite of specific misbehavior will get your more of what you want from your kids. This is a promise!
The Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic has completed thousands of hours of research on children and parents focusing on behavior management. The use of effective praise is the core of their approach. It sounds something like this, “Peter, great job using your grown up voice in the car and staying safe at the same time!” Yup – if you didn’t grow up with praise, it will feel strange and unnatural, but when done properly and consistently, it works. Remember, children want your attention and effective praise will reinforce those behaviors that you do want.
Here are the characteristics of effective praise:
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- Give immediately and every time after target misbehavior (that is the opposite of the misbehavior you are trying to eliminate)
- Close to child when delivering praise (not as effective from across the room).
- Enthusiastic and sincere (the more enthusiastic the parent is in his praise, the quicker the child offers the positive behavior and the longer this change lasts)
- Use specific, positive words – “Thanks for sharing your blocks with Sarah.” (In contrast to using negative words – “Good job not hitting your sister.” That gives your child an idea!)
- Includes visual and physical gestures – thumbs up, high five, hug, mommy dance, daddy cheer, etc.
- Vary words and gestures - don't give a high five every time or say "Great job!" every time.
As you can see, ignoring negative behavior and enthusiastically praising its opposite is pretty easy. However, remaining calm, thinking before we act and delivering effective praise consistently for the opposite of 2 or 3 misbehaviors requires us to discipline ourselves before we discipline our children! Please let us know if you are trying these new approaches and how they are going as your summer unfolds.
