Parents: Discipline Ourselves Before We Discipline the Kids!

Shaping children’s behavior is not difficult, but it is challenging. Effective discipline requires self-discipline from parents. We can’t really raise cooperative children unless we are able to discipline ourselves.

The first step is to ignore negative behavior, especially attention getting behavior like whining, making noises and begging for things. Remember, the principle is that your attention is your child’s prime motivator. You will get more of whatever behavior you pay attention to – and that includes nagging, coaxing, reminding and threatening. It is all attention – all like giving your child a lollipop for misbehavior, seriously.

Planning ignoring – that is ignoring the behaviors you want to decrease – is just what it sounds like. You decide that you are tired of the whining, so you let your child know – when she is not whining – that you will be talking to her only when she talks in her big girl voice. Ignoring is not rolling your eyes, putting your hands on your hips or sighing loudly. It might mean going into a different room, moving a few feet away, putting your attention elsewhere or just breathing deeply as you drive in the car and your son insists you stop at McDonald’s.

In the short run your child’s behavior may get worse. You child is accustomed to a certain dance – they whine, you remind them to stop. It is a reliable way of getting contact with you. When this changes, they may temporarily escalate the behavior that used to work or they may try something more dramatic. Instead of whining, they throw a toy into the front seat of the car. So now we have a safety problem. Yes, you will want to respond, but in a quiet, robot-like way – because remember your expressive, noisy expression is attention, a reward.

If you must carry out a consequence – like stopping the car for two minutes and not speaking, do it calmly and keep it mild and simple. Let your child know – speaking quietly and calmly – that throwing things in the car is not safe and he can try again in two minutes to be a safe passenger. After waiting silently for two minutes, resume your trip without criticizing or complaining. If you get a couple of minutes of time without whining or throwing, you can increase this positive behavior with praise.

Yes, it may get worse before it gets better, but planned ignoring helps you pay attention to the behavior that you want. It also helps you refrain from talking to your children in ways that may harm your relationship or their self-worth.