Reflections on Volunteering in Haiti: Overcoming the Martyr Syndrome

The following is an essay I wrote for a scholarship application. I thought it would be interesting to share publicly. Feel free to comment.

What I have learned from volunteering is this: I cannot save the children.
  
When I started middle school, I started volunteering with elementary school students. I did this for five years before getting my first paid position. Essentially, I never left elementary school. Unsurprisingly considering I started volunteering as a child, I had trouble separating myself from the children’s needs. My subconscious mindset bordered on martyrdom; I was going to save the children.

Just imagine how upsetting it was for me to go on a mission trip to Haiti in 2007 and meet large groups of orphans.  I was completely overwhelmed. My parents vetoed my grand plan of living in Haiti in between high school and college, and I ended up going to state school for two years as a double major in Bilingual Elementary Education and Spanish.

During this time, I volunteered again in the Dominican Republic (DR), which neighbors Haiti on the island of Hispaniola. Subsequently, I found a study abroad program in DR that offered classes on Dominican-Haitian Relations.

I was beginning to understand that I couldn’t save Haiti, but I still desperately wanted to learn about it in hopes of finding a way to help.

I arrived in DR on January 4, 2010. A massive earthquake hit Haiti on January 12, shaking the entire island, but doing much less damage in DR. I didn’t immediately try to save the children. I understood on an intellectual level that it was better to stay and participate in local relief programs. However, I jumped at the chance to join a group of Dominicans crossing the border over spring break to offer aid. Detained by the directors of my study abroad program, who threatened to kick me out for self-endangerment, before the group left, I ended up not participating. I was later thankful that they stopped me, because I realized that going to Haiti wouldn’t have actually helped the earthquake victims, it just would have made me feel better about them.

Frustrated that I had so few skills to offer, I decided to just keep learning things about Haiti. I excelled in my Dominican-Haitian Relations course. However, the more I learned, the more humbled I felt. I became increasingly aware that I couldn’t offer anything more than good intentions.

My volunteer trips continued for several years, culminating in a trip through Programs in International Educational Resources (PIER), organized by Yale and NYU. A significant accomplishment followed: I wrote curriculum on Dominican-Haitian Relations that was published by the Center for Latin American and Caribbean Studies at NYU.  Despite this confirmation that I was growing and learning, I remained convinced that I was largely ignorant and incapable of anything other than genuine interest in Haiti.

So I stayed in America.

And I learned not to save the children.

Instead of reacting to the needs of others, I followed my dreams. I took time off from college to re-discover myself, and then transferred to a private school that better fit my needs. I changed majors so that I might learn what I truly wanted to learn, not just what I could do the most good with. I still put my experience in children’s programming to use for the good of the community, but I did it in a way that reflected who I truly was and met my own needs.

It has now been three years since my last trip abroad.

After putting myself first for all this time, I now realize that I have developed a new skill set that will actually be of use in Haiti.

I’m ready to go back.

This July, I will be living in the same orphanage I visited in 2007. I will teach piano, guitar, drums, percussion, and dance to all the orphans that I couldn’t save.

I know now that Haiti doesn’t need me, but I also know that I can help. 

-Anna Westbrook is a children's book author, illustrator, curriculum writer, and a whole slew of other things. Follow her on twitter: @annawestbrook