"Believe, Discuss, Report" A CALL TO RESPOND TO INJUSTICE

Anna Westbrook is a singer and writer from New London, CT who uses her music and writing to contribute to her own personal growth and raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse. She recommends anyone interested in responding to injustice read the following post, however, victims suffering from PTSD should consider having a loved one read through this first. Email: annawestbrookworks2011@gmail.com

The man who raped me is not in jail.

He goes to church, volunteers at an elementary school, and lives his life.

I told the cops my story two years ago. 

The man who raped me sometimes tries to threaten me into silence. I am not afraid to tell my story, and that scares him, so he makes ridiculous claims against me to try to get me to stop. When I emailed the principal of the school he volunteers at, he sent me a letter from a lawyer. When I called DCF, he complained to the cops. My lawyer said he had no actual case and was just trying to scare me, and the cop who called me about the report finished his investigation by declaring his confidence that I am not acting with malicious intent, only legitimate concern for children and awareness of my responsibility to protect those children due to my training as a mandated reporter.

The reason the man who raped me does things like this is because he is stupid. And afraid. He is getting desperate. People are starting to see him as less than the Mr. Wonderful he pretends to be, and he feels like he is losing control. I am a former victim and I am doing exactly what he told me I could never do. That is the scariest thing that could ever happen to him: An empowered victim.

“Don’t tell, Anna, everyone will be very upset with you.”
“Don’t tel,l Anna, my wife will be so sad.”
“Don’t tell, Anna, no one will believe you.”
“Anna, if you tell, I will hurt your sisters.”
Well, guess what? I’m telling. I have told. And I will tell again.
Because I’m stronger than you.

The man who raped me knew how to control children. He used power and fear. What he didn't account for was that his victims would grow up. That we would be become adults. And that he would have less power and less ability to scare us. 

What he doesn't realize is that whenever he threatens me, after the initial shock-wave of fear that ripples through my entire being, I am filled with a righteous anger not just at him, but at society as a whole. This anger motivates me to speak up. So I do something proactive (like writing this blogpost and accompanying video). 

When I was a child, my knee-jerk response when I was scared was to keep quiet. Now, as an adult who has been through three years of intense therapy and immersed herself in supportive environments and become a musical activist of sorts, my knee-jerk response when I’m scared is to speak out.

So trying to scare me into silence is not going to work.
But like I said, the man who raped me is not very smart. He is smart enough to control children, but not smart enough to control adult victims. So he can’t see that his actions only make his situation worse.

I am fighting a battle.

And I am fighting well.

I would like to invite you to join me. Not in the battle against the man who raped me, but against sexual abuse in general. By reading this blogpost, you are establishing yourself as someone aware of injustice.

Now take another step.

If you are an abuser, I want you to report yourself to the police. I know there’s not much hope of you simply realizing how evil you are and confessing, but I thought I’d throw it out there.

If you are an affiliated community member, I want you to tell the victims you believe them. Tell them as often as you can in as many ways as you can, for this is the deepest fear of every abuse victim and the number one reason we don't tell: that we might not be believed. I also want you to express public interest in this topic. Communicate openness and support to the victims you know. Get your own help, for this affects you too. There are often free counseling resources for both victims and families of victims. Look up as much information as you can. Read "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender and anything else you can find. Victims need to know that you know and that you care, but most of all that YOU BELIEVE THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH.
 
If you are an unaffiliated community member, I want you to know that you ARE ACTUALLY AFFILIATED. The statistic is that one-in-four women and one-in-six men are victims of sexual abuse. You probably know four women. You probably know six men. So, you know someone who has been through this. You just don't know that you know. My best advice for you is to start talking to people about your awareness. Mention to people you love that you know this sort of thing happens and that you would be willing to listen to them if they have a story to tell. It’s also possible that you know a sexually abusive person. If you have children, bring up the issue of sexual assault with the adults in your life so that if anyone happens to be an abuser, they know you are aware. Abusers will always be someone you trust. It is highly unlikely that a stranger will come out of the dark and attack your child. It is more likely that someone will make friends with you with the intention of abusing your child. But they target people who are ignorant or naive, so establish yourself as someone well informed with everyone in your circle. (For more advice for parents, see this video).

If you are a victim, I want you to consider reporting to the police. If it happened ten years ago, report it. If it "wasn't that bad," report it. I don’t want you to do it alone. And I don't want you to do it without knowing how incredibly difficult it will be. Warning: there is one sentence in the next paragraph that may upset you, but I think you need to know the types of questions asked during a report.

When I reported, I had to describe memories that I had repressed since childhood.  I was reporting partial memories of rapes that happened between the ages of eight and thirteen. When I used phrases like, “I was raped,” or “He was inside me,” I was asked, “What do you mean by that?” and had to give excruciating details. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to do.

But I want you to consider doing it anyway.

Because your story is important.

And it’s something that you can do to respond to the injustice in the world.

We feel like victims when we have nothing we can do, so this may help. 

I confess there’s a part of me that wants to ask every victim in the world to report in hopes that all the other people who were raped by the same man as me will come forward and then maybe the cops would do something about it. I don’t believe I am the only one he raped. I just believe I’m one of the first to speak. 

The reason I consider this a confession is that I don’t think you should report because of my story. You should report because of your story. I don’t want to manipulate your emotions for my own cause. I just want to give you an example of the options available to you, while being as transparent as possible about my feelings.

A pastor went with me to report the abuse. He told me he couldn’t promise anything would come of it, but he said I’d have the satisfaction of doing the right thing.

So I did the right thing, nothing happened, and I was not satisfied. At the time, I didn’t have that sense of, “Ah, at least I did what was right.” All I felt was, “That was incredibly painful and I feel abandoned by society itself and have even less trust in authority figures. This blows.” 

But now, two years later, I can say with confidence that I am someone who does what is right no matter what. I can say that I have done or am doing EVERYTHING that is healthy and possible to respond to this injustice. I feel like I am in control of my actions and not controlled by fear. I like that about myself. It makes me feel proud.

If no one else who has been raped by the same man as me ever comes forward, I will still live my life in the pursuit of justice. If the man who rapes me is never put in jail, I will still continue living my life to the fullest extent that I can. 

I still believe in justice because justice isn’t only about abusers being punished....It’s about victims healing.

I would like to see this bad man get what he deserves, but I have very little control of that. 

However, I have more control over my own healing process. Yes, I deserve to see the man who raped me go to jail and no, I can’t guarantee I’ll ever see that. But I am seeing myself become exactly who I was meant to be, despite this soul-sucking monster who messed up my childhood. 

I am healing. 

I am doing all the things that I couldn’t do before.

I hid my musical talent because I was scared to open up about my feelings after the abuse, and now I’m a music major and a singer-songwriter. I stopped dancing because I was scared to be in my body, and now I’m a dance minor. I didn’t tell my story for years and now I tell people all over the place (you can hire me to speak at the email below).

I didn’t allow myself to admit what had happened for years because the man who raped me was so omnipresent and controlling that I needed to get away from him before I could break out of the denial stage of grief and see clearly.

Now, believe me, I remember everything I need to remember, and I know exactly who he is. He is a controlling, verbally abusive rapist and pedophile who uses good deeds, people-pleasing, financial generosity, leadership positions, and anything else he can think of to put himself in positions where he can victimize children.

And I am innocent, empowered and overcoming everything he did.

I am not a victim anymore.

There isn’t even a word for how far I’ve come.

Survivor isn’t enough.

Victor doesn’t cut it.

All I know is this: I am me. And I thought he took that possibility away. So, I’m thrilled to be alive and to be living the way I am.

There are people who believe me, love me, support me, pray for me, and help me heal. These people will need to walk beside me for years to come, because although I have healed so much, I’m really just beginning to step away from the horribleness of it all.

I am not doing this alone, so I don’t need your help. 

But I believe you may be a person who does the right thing no matter what.

So consider helping.

Abusers: Confess
Community Members: Believe and Discuss
Victims: Report

Anna Westbrook is a singer and writer from New London, CT who uses her music and writing to contribute to her own personal growth and raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse. Email: annawestbrookworks2011@gmail.com

Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

Local Support: Safe Futures

Reduce your risk of sexual assault: Advice from RAINN.org

Book that helped me most: The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender