Finding the 'Zone: Artan's Grocery Deli & Pizza

I’m going to say something weird and then hopefully, I’m going to explain myself, possibly even adequately.

The calzones at Artan’s Grocery Deli & Pizza tastes like, well, a Ford Mustang.

I’m not saying it tastes like a carburetor or an exhaust system or something like that; what I mean is that their calzones are big, beefy, loud, greasy American creations that take an almost gleeful approach to their utter lack of finesse.

If this was something American, like a burger, I’d say go hog wild with that approach, but it’s not, it’s a calzone. It’s Italian. It should have flair, panache, style and most of all, quality. It should be an Alfa Romeo. It should be a Ferrari. It should be, dare I say it, a Lancia. But it’s not; it’s a loud, understeering Ford Mustang, and not one of the pretty ones from back in the day, this is a 90s Mustang.

It tasted as if everything that went into that calzone was bought at the Stop & Shop up the street and then tossed together in the firm belief that more is always better. But it’s not, it’s filling and it’s cheap, but it’s not better. You end up with a calzone where you’re biting into one ingredient at a time; this bite is just bread, this one mozzarella, and this one pepperoni.

With better ingredients in smaller portions, made properly, you can charge twice as much and people will gladly pay. Though most of the people coming into Artan’s seemed more interested in quantity than quality, and if that’s your game, then this is the place where you can get the most food for the lowest price, but you can get slightly less food but better and at a slightly higher price (and a big emphasis here is on the slight) at the Little Tomato AND you won’t have to sit through fifteen minutes of daytime soap operas.