"I'm a child...

By Carol Dores

Every human being wants to feel like they belong or fit in. When children feel like they don’t belong, they misbehave, with the goal of fitting in. If they can’t be part of something in a positive way, they will use a negative approach. Misbehavior can include seeking attention, getting revenge, engaging in a power struggle, or withdrawing because they feel inadequate.

In a recent parenting class, a Mom asked, “How can I help my child feel a sense of belonging?”

Here are some ideas:

· Listen - Really listen to your child when they talk to you. Put everything else aside, look them in their eyes, nod as they speak. When they are done, repeat back in your own words what you heard them say, and ask if you understood them correctly. You can also validate their feelings, saying, “It sounds like you feel angry. Is that how you are feeling?”

· Meaningful work – As a family, come up with a list of all of the work that needs to be done to keep the house going. Then, ask your children which jobs they would like to do. If it’s something they haven’t done before, take the time to teach them, and agree on what a satisfactory job looks like. For example, take a picture of what a clean playroom looks like to you.

· Strengths based activities – Think about the things your child is good at, and where their passions lie. Then, together with your child, come up with a list of activities that build on their strengths. They are more likely to feel like they fit in with others who have common interests. For example, if your child is a slow, methodical thinker, learning how to play chess and forming an after school chess club might help. If your child loves to take things apart and build things, a Lego League team or Odyssey of the Mind team might be a good fit. Often, school counselors will have ideas for things, once you and your child have identified areas of interest.

It only takes one or two real friends to have a sense of belonging and significance. Often, we parents have to let go of the idea that our child will be the most popular, the best athlete, or a top student. Then, we can help our children each become the best that they can be.

Positive Discipline, founded by Dr. Jane Nelsen, is based on the work of Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs.

If you would like to learn more about Positive Discipline, which helps build connections and relationships, and how to raise respectful, resourceful and responsible children, check out the class schedule for people working in schools at www.positivedisciplinect.org/parenting-classes/.

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