Starting The Conversation With Young People About Healthy Relationships

If you were told that 1 in 3 adolescents die in car accidents, you would make sure that your child wore a seatbelt, wouldn’t you? Well, 1 in 3 young people will be involved in some kind of abusive relationship. Shocking, isn’t it? I was blown away by that statistic, which I learned from Darlene Kiyan when I interviewed her a couple weeks ago on my radio show. Ms. Kiyan is the executive director of Break The Cycle, the only organization that provides comprehensive dating abuse prevention programs exclusively for young people. I invited her to talk with us because I wanted to know more about how we as parents can support our children if they find themselves in abusive relationships, and how we can help prevent that from happening in the first place.

When we address this topic with our children, it is crucial that we speak from a place of complete support, openness and acceptance. If we seem to be judging or chastising them, they are likely to shut down. One way to begin the conversation is to open up about your own relationships. But Ms. Kiyan brought up an excellent point: there is one glaring difference between the relationships we experienced as young people and the ones our children are now experiencing. That difference is social media. Whether we like it or not, 72% of 8th and 9th graders nationwide are dating, and they are doing so in ways that we parents have never experienced, and often do not understand. Social media has transformed the way that young people relate to one another. So even if there has not been an increase in the amount of abuse occurring among young people, the ways that the abuse can occur have multiplied significantly. How do we begin to address an issue with our teenagers that is already extremely sensitive about a dating landscape that we hardly understand?

Well, one way is to start early. If you consciously work to create an open channel of communication with your child from an extremely early age, the channel is likely to remain open, regardless of the technology comes along. If your child knows from a very young age that you respect their emotions, they are likely to continue to open up. This sounds like a no-brainer, yet many parents unintentionally send the opposite message and set destructive patterns. Here’s an example Ms. Kiyan used: If your child comes up to you on the playground to complain that someone hit them, do not respond: “Oh, that just means they like you.” This sends the message that hitting is an acceptable way to express affection. Perhaps worse, this response does not support how your child is feeling. Teaching your child to trust and respect their own emotions is crucial in helping them develop positive relationships.

For those of us who are past the playground days and are parenting actual teenagers who may be at risk, Ms. Kiyan has some advice about beginning this conversation. You don’t even have to mention abuse; instead, talk about boundaries. How many texts a day from your partner feels good? How many feels like too many? Is your partner asking for your passwords, or telling you what to wear, or telling you who to hang out with? Does that feel good to you? Rather than telling your children what to do, remind them to tune into how they feel. Remind them to set boundaries that feel good to them.

What do you do if your child does find themselves in an abusive relationship? Again, it is crucial that you are open and supportive rather than controlling or chastising. It can be excruciatingly difficult to watch your child suffer any kind of abuse, but remember that they are the ones that must decide how to respond. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is during the break-up. Your child will know better than you when the time is right to make that move. Your job is to keep them as safe as possible, if and when they do decide to leave. And remember: they may not make that decision. Many people linger in abusive relationships because that seems safest. Whatever your child’s decision is, you must, above all else, support them.

Let’s be honest. It can be extremely difficult to talk with your teenager. Many teenagers want nothing to do with their parents, and would never dream of opening up to them about matters like these. If you are estranged from your child, or feel like there might be a problem that they won’t tell you about, encourage them to talk to their friends. Adolescents are much more likely to listen to their peers than adults. You can also encourage them to talk with a counselor—even a coach or a trusted mentor. The point is not whether or not they will talk to you. The point is making sure your child has as strong support system as possible.

Ms. Kiyan gave us some great resources that you can also share with your kids, and that I strongly encourage you to use if you or someone you love is experiencing any abuse, be it verbal, emotional, or physical.

Visit loveisrespect.org to learn more, and to chat with a peer advocate online.

Call 866 331 9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 talk to a professional confidentially.