Sometimes it's scary being a parent.

You never know what mood they will be in. You are officially stupid, and only they know what life is about. Their friends are way more important than ever. Sometimes they don’t make the best choices, and definitely do not want to hear your opinion. At times, they lie, are sneaky and are unrecognizable as the children you raised.

Well, if you are feeling any or all of this about your teenager, you are not alone.

So first, take a deep breath. This is a normal part of their growing up – the individuation process. They need to figure out who they are separately from you. That is normal and healthy, and something they need to do. However, it is the beginning of letting go, which is really hard for most of us parents.

What are some of the things you can do to help them through these challenging years?

· When they are feeling angry, and are lashing out at you, do not take it personally. They are in a highly emotional state, and need time to calm down. Acknowledge their feelings, with something like, “You seem really angry.” Listen without judging, and keep validating their feelings.

· When they are making choices that you are uncomfortable with, ask them questions that begin with “what” or “how”, like “How will you feel if you cut that class again?”, or “What is your plan for getting your project done and going to the party?” A few notes here – you need to be truly curious and open as you ask these questions. Tone of voice, facial expression and body language are important to showing you are really curious.

· Allow them to make mistakes, and then learn from them themselves. For example, if your teen chooses the party over the project, then they will need to live with that. When they get a bad grade or no grade at all, they do not need your help to feel badly. They will do that all by themselves. Another example is if they do not have clean clothes because they did not do their laundry, they have to wear dirty clothes.

· As they are figuring out who they are, it is really important (and terribly difficult) to give them space. That does not mean being permissive. You still need to set and agree to boundaries that are respectful to both you and your teen. For example, while they may want to drink alcohol before the legal drinking age, saying “no” and sticking to this was our decision.

These are life-long skill you are helping them with … and remember, it is a journey, not an event. Each bump in the road may seem like a sink hole. Instead of viewing them as bumps, try looking at them as opportunities to help your teen learn important life skills.

As the parent of two adults, we did have some huge bumps, and they seemed devastating at the time. We all survived, learned from them, and I love who our guys now are.

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