Want to better understand your teenager?

First, here’s some information that might help understand your teenager better.

· Try to remember back to when you were a teenager. How did you feel about your parents? Your friends? Teens today are a lot like we were “way back then”.

· It is important to understand that it is perfectly normal for teenagers to look to their friends more than their parents. This is called individuation. They are preparing to “leave the nest”.

· It is also perfectly normal for teenagers to ride an emotional roller coaster. This is because the hormones are causing them to be unable to consistently access the rational thinking part of the brain. So there are physical reasons they go back and forth between Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde behavior.

· They still want to know they are loved and are an important part of the family.

Now, here are ideas for how to build a stronger relationship with your teen!

· Unless they are going to harm themselves or someone else, let go of as much control as you can. They need to try things and learn from their mistakes. The more we allow them to do this, the more resiliency and “grit” they develop. These are necessary skills as they grow into adulthood.

· When they make a mistake, do not under any circumstances blame or shame them. They do not need to hear, “I told you so.” Or “What were you thinking?” What they may need is a loving hug, an understanding smile, and maybe when they are feeling better, your help in talking through what they learned.

· Help them understand the emotional roller coaster of hormones. Together, you can watch a short video on the brain science done by Dr. Daniel Siegel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw.

· When your teen seems upset, you can validate their feelings. You could say something like, “Boy, you seem really angry.” And then just listen, or add “Tell me more.” Sometimes they just need to vent. You can also ask if they want help coming up with solutions to the problem. If they say no, respect that.

· Spend time together doing things they like to do. If they like to play video games, ask them questions about their game, or play with them. If they like to watch television or movies, join them with a bowl of popcorn.

We all want our teens to be successful on their own. We need to let go to allow them to learn and grow, while still being there to support and love them.

Want to learn more about building stronger relationships? Visit www.positivedisciplinect.org.

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