Insecurities: Un-Fighting With Myself

I told a friend recently how funny it is that I have a blog because up until this year I NEVER would have seen myself writing. Why? Because I sucked at it, or at least I thought I did. My high school English teachers tore me a new one for each and every paper I submitted.  So did my undergrad professors.  And then all of this negativity grew into one of those things – one of those insecurities – that became so deeply ingrained in my head that it paralyzed me. Writing became my nemesis. Each assignment, large or small, was a chore.  Actually, it was more like an insurmountable mountain.  One that I could never scale.  Until, one day, I could. My grad school professors didn't wipe themselves with my papers, so I started to feel more comfortable. But yet, that insecurity persisted. I guess that mountain I couldn’t climb was really more of a black hole that I couldn’t escape (now I’m mixing metaphors?  How ironic).   

So as I lamented my experiences with writing in school and the insecurities I developed as a result, my thoughts turned to something else... the others(insecurities). For example, motherhood. Do I spend too much time working? Am I setting a bad example by being on the phone too much?  Do I let them watch too much TV?  The self doubt is endless.
I constantly question my disciplinary tactics. For example, this morning Butter Cheeks called me a penis. I laughed. Or, when we're in public and Flash literally screeches because he can't put his broken banana back together. After these moments,  I wonder, "Am I too easy on my kids?" Sometimes I find myself asking, "What am I doing?" Then I look over and see another Mrs. Mom with a quiet, obedient toddler. WHAT THE HELL?!?  I hope she didn’t see that last outburst.  Oh God, did I handle it correctly? I’m turning red.  Now I’m sweating. Now I'm going to break out because I'm sweating. Did I wear deodorant? Is that why the gnats are swarming all over me? Wait, no, Butter Cheeks just pooped. Damn it… Flash is going to freak out when I have to take his brother to the bathroom. Mrs. Mom DEFINITELY will see this one.

But it doesn’t just end with parenting.  Then there are all those insecurities that come along with work. In my case, starting a business. I’ve reached out to four potential advertisers this week and none of them have gotten back to me.  Is my business to failure?  If so, then I’m a failure. 
Now before you start charging me hourly for this therapy session, let me get to my point. I recognize that I’m not alone.  Everyone has insecurities.  Everyone doubts himself/herself at some point.  And even though these webs of anxiety weave seemingly stand in the way of our growth, we have the ability to spin ourselves out.  These are self-created barriers obstructing our progression. And if we work to spend as much time building bridges to connect where we are with where we want to be, we might be able to propel ourselves forward. Now, in my 30's, I stopped ignoring my insecurities. I recognize them and continue to dislike them, but I stopped letting them control me. How? By channeling that anxiety and fear into productivity. 

Sometimes I picture myself literally pulling these insecurities out of my chest, rolling them in a ball, and just holding them. This vision helps me put things into perspective- I hold the power, and I have the control. I realize that I am not a failure, and my business is not a failure.  Just because my toddler acts out once in a while doesn’t make me a bad mom.  And despite thinking for years to the contrary – I’m not the worst writer the world has ever known. With this new perspective, I am able to push through and not get down. I can sit down and work for a couple of more hours even though I've been rejected, and I can feel calm when my kids are acting out. Empowering? Yes. So who's the penis now?

Now let me ask you- What do you do with your insecurities?