Top Secret Memo from Tillerson to Assad leaked

Dear President Assad,

May I call you Bashar? Sorry we had to bomb your airport, but it was just a token bombing to make everyone think we were serious about Human Rights abuses. Obviously, if we really meant it, we would have used the Mother of All Bombs on you rather than Afghanistan and leveled the place, so you were back up and running in a few hours. Likewise, we had to use the “Mother” in a deserted location like Afghanistan where no one knows what, if anything, it did. We claim we killed 36 terrorist, but who can tell? More likely 36 gopher tortoises; now that’s good eating!

The point is that you can’t just willy nilly gas people to kill and oppress them because it doesn’t play well in the press, and that is so WW2. The 1940s called, they want their sarin back (Chortle!). But seriously, it needs to be something more sophisticated. For your consideration, what we do here in America is incarcerate them. We are very proud of the fact that we incarcerate more people- mostly blacks- than any other country in the world. No one even comes close. And the beauty of this is that it cost more than $30,000 per inmate which then has to be spent on incarceration rather than say $30,000 being spent on infrastructure or programs that might help their impoverished neighborhood and keep them out of prison in the first place. So by incarcerating one person we have oppressed an entire family, a neighborhood, an entire race of people.

So there you have it. This is just one of the many ways that we use to violate human rights in America. And the press just loves this because we can equate criminals to terrorist and tell everyone that we are protecting them, when we actually caused the problem and perpetuate it.

I realize that on Monday, April 10 when President Trump said human rights were a low priority and then Attorney General Sessions put a hold on all those Black Lives Matter Consent Decrees, you understandably took this as a green light to start gassing your own people the very next morning. Next time, just try something a little less obvious, like we do over here on the other side of the pond.

Satirically,

Rex Tillerson

United States Secretary of State