At the third beep.....

My life is controlled by things that go 'beep' in the night!   They go 'beep' even more often during the day too.  The beeps are no longer cute, they are downright annoying.  EVERYTHING electrical that I have bought since leaving Jolly Old...beeps, not once, but many times.  It beeps when you plug it in, it beeps when you issue a command by pressing a button, and it beeps again when the machine thinks it has completed the mission.  If someone doesn't instantly jump to attention and take care of it, it will beep at annoying intervals until a) you switch it off at the source,  or b) there is a power outage, but more likely c) you throw it across the room until it breaks.   I even have a state of the art refrigerator which beeps in stereo.  Open the door - it beeps.  Leave the door open for longer than 3 seconds it beeps again. If you still leave the door open, it cranks up the volume, calls for back up and lo and behold, stereo beeping in close harmony.   Let us not discuss the oven.  I have yet to learn how to operate the wretched thing without the detailed instructions in my hand.  I am currently able to  get the oven to a required temperature, but it's too complicated to try to set the timer.   There are just too many combinations of beeps for me to work out what the 'beep' is happening.

The security alarm beeps when any door opens, and it will  beep when there is any disruption in the program.  Memo:  If you think you have enough time to deposit the groceries when entering the house before disabling the alarm, you haven't.  Trust me on this one.  You will have to explain to the sheriff why you chose to ignore the alarm, after you have spent several uncomfortable minutes proving your identity.  The neighbors get a charge out of that too....nothing like squad cars screeching up to your front door to attract all sorts of attention.

I deliberately disabled the beep on my car because I think it was in league with all the other electrical appliances in the house.  It would wait quietly while I pressed the button on the key to lock the doors, I would wait too....then feeling satisfied that I had outwitted the beep, I would start to walk away.    It would wait until I had completely turned my back then it would beep as loudly as possible, scaring me out of ten years of growth.

We need a central computerized system at home.  A gentle, caring type of computer voice,  who would politely remind you that your biscuits were burning within the next 10 seconds unless you removed them promptly.  The voice would gently whisper that the refrigerator works better when the doors are closed, and also that kicking the water boiler would only serve to make it more contrary.   A soft, gentle, sort of soothing voice - not these 'finger nails on blackboard' type beeps.  I do feel I would respond more calmly to that type of technology.  However, should said voice start with the smart comments, or general running commentary on how I should or should not run my house, I would be back to the beeps in a heart beat.

I hear another beep - is my computer battery low?  please let it not be one of the smoke alarm batteries.  They are impossible to isolate.  The interval between beeps is long enough for you to fall back to sleep, because as we all know, those batteries only start to fail at about 4am.  Just in time to disrupt your REM sleep, and when you start to drift off again...'beep'.  Many a good night's sleep has been ruined by trying to locate the source of a smoke alarm battery.

Technology!   To the fore!   This needs fixing.  At least get the beeps to beep in the same key!    I'm off for a cuppa if I can sneak in and switch the kettle on before the beeps find me.