Lawyers and lawyer-ese

When was the last time that you actually had a conversation with a lawyer that wasn't totally one sided?  Do they go to school to learn how to be confusing?  I've tried getting lawyers to put their thoughts ( hysterical laughter) down on paper, so that I could take MY time to read through and understand the content, but that was not my smartest idea.  And forget printing out their e-mails. There are trees in the rainforest that are shaking in their roots because of the amount of paper being used just to try to get a handle on what the blue blazes these lawyers mean.  I know, I know, we are supposed to be conserving paper - but sometimes, it's just not possible to spend the time in front of the computer trying to comprehend the legal content that your lawyer has sent.  It's best to print out the quire of paper,  arm yourself with a stiff drink or three, and go somewhere quiet where you are unlikely to be disturbed.  I might add that I still end up totally confused.  You have to hand it to them  They have it down to a fine art!   I have given it a good deal of thought lately, and I have decided that its all to do with billing.   A lawyer cannot in all good conscience bill you for an hour's consultation (albeit by phone) if the question was answered in a couple of very short sentences, lasting about 2 minutes.    However, lawyers have the ability to dress up the answer by first asking the client to repeat the question, then spend the next 45 minutes quoting similar cases, never answering the client's question and then slapping them with a bill for an hour's consult.   I am so in the wrong job!   While I am in the mood for railing on about lawyers, the actual language they use is about as comprehensive as Swahili.  Whether we discount the whereas, wherefore, party of the first part, party of the second part, with a liberal sprinkling of hitherto etc, I am convinced that their language would make much more sense if all this gobbledygook was erased.   All they really need is a few succinct sentences such as "Yes, you have a case!  No, you don't have a case!  I can get you a reasonable settlement!  You are wasting my time and yours!"  and the most important one liner,  "You owe us  x amount of dollars."    Is that too much to ask?  Maybe we would then not be quite such a litigious society.  Maybe then we wouldn't need so many lawyers.  Maybe then legal advice would be easy to understand and - mercy me - affordable.

What do I know - I'm not a lawyer!  I have never learned to speak their language. Now if a 'learn to speak lawyer' language course was published, maybe - just maybe - I would be able to understand them.  I am not holding my breath on this one.  Time for a 'cuppa'.