The smallest room in the house.

I travel a lot, really I do, to different states, countries and continents, but I would like a dummies guide to operating the various 'facilities' available to visitors. Let's face it, or for the female of the species, let's back up to it, some of these porcelain objects are a bit of a challenge.   Having been born and brought up in the war torn 40's, I hesitate to criticize, especially as I know I'm lucky to even have indoor plumbing, but they should provide operating manuals for some of them.  To start with, I have had to learn that it's not too polite in the USA to ask for the 'loo', rather one should request to use the bathroom.  Doesn't matter that bathing is not on one’s immediate priority list, that's how most people refer to the smallest room in the house.  Even though I have had the dubious pleasure some years ago of visiting a magnificent bathroom that was so ornate and comfortable, I almost expected to have sherry and hors d'ouvres served while I was 'visiting.'  Glistening counter tops, gentle but direct lighting, and 'elevator music' to soothe the soul, an array of exquisite hand soaps and scented towels just added to the ambience.  I am not going to divulge the location of this gem, else all of our Patch readers will be queuing up to 'visit' and then it will no longer be my secret.   I suppose that I am going to have to mention airport 'loos'.  I think that somewhere, someone is spending time thinking up new and complicated ways of flushing.  I have spent many a frustrated  few minutes trying to find out whether to push or pull the various chrome contraptions, only to find that it works all by itself.  Quite disconcerting when one doesn't expect it, I can tell you.   Then there are the revolving seats!  Really?  Or the lined seats - now that's worrying. I also have a quarrel with those huge toilet tissue dispensers that always look full, but one can never find the end.  I wonder which design genius  thought of that idea.  We are truly spoiled these days.  I remember visiting a public facility in Prague many years ago, it was pristine, very clinical and it was guarded by an attendant who was obviously a frustrated prison wardress. I was issued two small squares of toilet paper with an expression that dared me to ask for extra. (Luckily, I had a pack of facial tissues with me, just in case.)    I have memories of 'outhouses', and rooms that might just as well have been outside, as they were so cold that it was a toss up whether one would be frozen in position for the duration, or at least until the next thaw.  Moving on, excuse the pun, I simply must mention a visit I made to a Scottish coastal town that boasted public toilets for men that warranted being mentioned in the tourist handout.  All the tubing was of highly polished brass, and the tiling was magnificent. The windows sported stained glass and the piece de resistance was the array of clear glass cisterns, and the curator was so proud of this facility that he gave tours - but only when the 'rooms' were not busy. He did say that they kept goldfish in the cisterns at one time, but I suspect that his tongue was firmly in his cheek.   Interestingly, the ladies' facility bordered on the mundane and utilitarian to say the least. But I digress.  All I ask is that if weird plumbing is installed. please supply a manual!  Or a womanual for the technically challenged amongst us.