Count Raoul Will Provide Diet Advice Now

Anybody else fed up with news features and magazine articles about the sad state of America’s health? Supposedly we’re all very, very fat and have no one to blame but ourselves. We eat all the wrong foods  and sleep like tired puppies.  Our exercise regimen is that of a sloth and the poisons we willingly put into our body, such as high fructose corn syrup and this stuff called alcohol I’ve read so much about, were forms of torture in the days when size four meant big boy pants.

They’re all wrong. It’s not the food or the booze. It’s the perverted conveniences we have adopted to make our lives easier. They are everywhere. How can we get our heart rate up if our body is constantly being told there’s an easier way to tie your shoes?

Let’s start with the Remote Control on the TV. Remote, Clicker, TV Turner (my wife, I swear), whatever your term, it’s that great little device that allows us to stay seated, slouched and sedentary while cruising through the 444 channels of
delightful entertainment we call cable TV. This is not an ancient appliance; it came about in the 1960’s for rich folks and the ‘80s for us humans. Can you imagine the calories we might burn if we had to propel ourselves from the Barcalounger every time we wanted to see if the NFL Half-Time commercials were over back on Fox?  Would there even be cable TV if we had no remote?  Think about it.

And what about the drive-thru restaurant? Not only can we walk into a fast food
establishment and order six times the prescribed ration of sodium or saturated
fats in a single meal, but we actually don’t have to walk into this suicide-in-a-sack supplier at all. We don’t have to get out of our car! Now drive-in restaurants like the Varsity and such have been around for a few generations, but that was sorta taking the sedan to the city and turning the back seat into your personal picnic. I excuse that. But the fast-food joints of today have taken it further than necessary. Why isn’t there a law against drive-thru dining? Why not make us earn at least one French fry by strolling from the automobile, the convenience that saved us from walking all the way from home. Oh, brother, I can go on and on….

But as long as I’m on the subject of cars, when did they become so damned easy?  That’s a major factor in the fattening of America I’m afraid.  Driving a car is no longer an event. Not too long ago, driving a car from one side of town to the other was like driving a chariot at Circus Maximus.  No power steering, no power brakes and a three-speed on the column with a clutch in a bad mood would make a workout of a short trip to the post office. For real, without the modern assistance of power brakes, automatic transmission and power steering, a 110-pound UGA Co-ed could not drive a ’55 Chevy to the malt shoppe without two offensive linemen and a personal trainer to help. Imagine a busy thoroughfare with nothing but 5,000-pound cars and standard transmissions and no power anything. What a workout!

So that’s my plan. Get up and change the channel, stretch your legs and walk into Wendy’s and ask to drive your granddad’s Buick. If you lose thirty pounds you have no one to thank but me. .... Dr. Count Raoul.