The Happiness Trick

I try to write about issues I see coming through the door of my office and I know that Shea often does the same. The fact that both of our recent posts center around the idea of happiness tells me something about just how many people out there have this subject on their minds. So I thought I would share a few of my own thoughts on happiness...

In my work, I help people with a multitude of things that have to do with various relationships in their lives. One thing I hear on a regular basis is “I just want them to be happy!”

Yes, I know.  But who is responsible for a person’s happiness? Who is responsible for yours? (I’ll wait… do you have your answer?)

Yes, you and ONLY you. And that other person? They are responsible for their own happiness, as well.

It is not your job to make someone else happy. It doesn’t matter if the person is the love of your life, your best friend, brother, sister, child or parent. You are not responsible for their happiness. One more time:

You are not responsible for their happiness.

(When we find ourselves struggling with this issue, it is often because we are driven by our own fears...but, we will go down that rabbit hole a different day.) Happiness will not come to your loved one if they only seek satisfaction from outside sources (you). They will continue to find themselves disappointed, hurt, and frustrated.

You might be thinking, “Well, then what am responsible for? I can’t just sit by!” (And I hate feeling powerless just as much as the next person.)

I will tell you what you are responsible for...

You are responsible for creating a safe place for your loved ones to come and rest when they feel beaten up by the world. A space where they can talk openly about their experience and do so without judgment or persecution. This place should allow them to consider their different options and re-energize. It should be an encouraging place so that they can go back out into the world and try again when they feel ready (“they” being the key word here). This is actually starting to sound a lot like the space Shea and I try to create in our therapy room!

Now, this doesn’t mean that a person gets a free pass to ignore their responsibilities, nor does it require you to put your own feelings aside. There should be room for both people’s feelings- that’s the point of having a relationship.  There is one more kicker to this happiness business… you can’t make them use this lovely space you’ve created for them. That’s not part of your job, either. (We discuss this kind of situation in more detail in an earlier blog post.)

You cannot make your loved one happy and you cannot fix things for them. They have to find their happiness for themselves. And, sometimes, the best way to help someone find their happiness is to demonstrate by finding your own.

In good health,

Amy