Banning Books on Buses

As a lawyer, I am not only capable of reading fine print (albeit these days with reading glasses) but understanding all the words in it and generally why they were put there. A time or two, I've even had the pleasure of writing the fine print. 

Having been a lawyer since 1994, I admit that my brain has become slightly warped, and, as a result, when there isn't any fine print, I wonder why, and thinking about what it ought to be. Nitpicking and hair splitting are fun hobbies for lawyers, which is partly what can make us so unpleasant to be around sometimes.

And, so, when I got the list of behavioral rules and expectations for the Sharon Elementary School Safety Patrol's Washington, DC, trip, - which I will have the no doubt bloggable pleasure of chaperoning - my brain spun out of control just a little bit.

We are going to be on the bus for a looooooooong time, and so electronic devices and books are encouraged for personal entertainment. As these are fifth graders, and fifth graders whose parents have varying degrees of sensibilities, it is important that we don't expose these 11-year-olds to anything to which they ought not to be exposed.

So, Rule Three said something like, "all electronic media material and books shall be rated G or PG." Fair enough, as the next step up is PG-13, and these kids aren't 13 yet. I get that this rule is designed to make sure that the Moms don't bring the latest issue of some random women's magazine with "15 Ways to Keep Him Hot in Bed" on the cover, the Dads don't bring magazines with pictures of minimally-clad women, no one has 50 Shades of Grey just waiting to be grabbed out of her purse, and no one is watching the latest Quentin Tarantino flick on his or her IPad.

The school has no business being a vehicle for giving these kids access to this information or these pictures. Pictures being the biggest problem, of course, because they are eye-catching, and you don't need to be that close to see what they are.

So I started to think, "Well, what am I going to read?" This is a big question for me. Reading is so important to my well-being, and nothing will entertain me more on a trip like this. Picking out books for me is as much fun as picking out outfits is for normal women. For the sake of space, I was planning on bringing my old school Kindle. On my Kindle, I am currently working my way through Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, which I love, but which contains a great deal of, ahem, physical passion. So that would be out.

Then I thought, well, I have the Hunger Game series on my Kindle, maybe I'll reread that since every kid that age has read it and I wouldn't be teaching them something new. Nope, that's out. Too much killing, and the movie, which tracked the book pretty accurately, was PG-13. So what? No crime novels or detective stories - too much violence and bad language. No romances, for the obvious reasons. 

The Bible? Weeelllllll, there are an awful lot of begottens and handmaidens and stonings. Perhaps I'll turn to classical literature. Jane Austen? Love me some Jane Austen, but I read very quickly, and I've already read them all, and I need a little variety and a little more action. How about the passionate, dramatic Russians. A little Dostoyevsky? Nope, Raskolnikov bashes in his landlady's head in Crime and Punishment. Tolstoy? Oh, heavens no, Anna Karenina is not exactly a role model for young ladies. Ok, too passionate. 

Scale back and move westward. Dickens?  Ah yes - Oliver Twist. That's a kids' book, right? Well, only if you ignore the scene where Nancy gets her head bashed in with a candlestick and the fact that she is a woman for hire to begin with.  Definitely not PG material. And why are all these women getting their heads bashed in? Mark Twain? Those childhood favorites, Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer? Well, those are truly great books, funny and wise, and paint an accurate picture of life in those times, complete with accurately depicted language. Jim isn't called Jim, is he? He's N-word Jim. And while a mature mind can understand the word in those circumstances, do we really want 11-year-olds reading it over my shoulder on the bus? I don't mind having that conversation with my own child, but someone else's? No, thank you.

I know I'm over-reacting, and being contrary for its own sake just because it is fun for me because I am not like the other kids, and actually most science fiction and/or fantasy will fit the bill, though not the ever-popular Game of Thrones to be sure.

I'm not even sure what my point is. It might be to point out that a one-size-fits-all rule doesn’t really fit anyone. It might be that there is only so much we can protect our kids from everything coming at them from all directions in the world, and we need to usher them through the unavoidable safely and with guidance instead of pretending like it doesn't exist. Or maybe I'm just looking for interesting book suggestions that are good reads without containing the f-bomb or detailed romantic scenes. Any ideas?