Raising A Better Tomorrow

As a pastor, I'm used to getting all kinds of questions. Most of them are about God, naturally, but lately - because of this blog and me just being weird - I'm getting them about other topics too. I got one yesterday via my personal blog and I thought it would make for an interesting post.

Question: this is not so much a question for You as it is meant for ALL parents............. How do you plan to raise better children? (i.e. children with morals, dignity, respect, ability to think rather than repeat, etc.)

Now, I got this question because part of my personal blog is a page where people can submit questions for me to answer from a pastoral perspective. But this question was broad enough that I could answer in two ways: as a parent AND as a minister. I'm choosing to answer as a parent here.

And the short answer is, I don't have a plan. Not even an iota of a plan.

I just kinda wing it.

I know, that makes me a lame dad. But I've never been the kind of person that plans things out the Nth degree. I like to have a structure in place, a general outline if you will, but I prefer to keep things flexible because - if life has taught me anything - things rarely go as planned.

But that's not to say that I don't have an outcome in mind. I do. It's just that getting there will be determined by...well, getting there.

Let me try this another way.

I loved this question in part because the closing clause, "ability to think rather than repeat", strikes near and dear to me. I want both of my children to grow up as thinkers, so that means that I am constantly asking them questions. I encourage them to analyze situations and consider evidence at hand. I try, as much as I can, to not say, "Because I said so", even though there are times when that is a valid answer (especially when they're incessantly begging for something they don't need).

I can hear the undies bunching now. Relax, will you? I'm not advocating this for all people. It's just how I'm wired.

Now, this strategy backfires on me a lot. It leads to my children asking a ridiculous number of questions on a regular basis about banal topics that I've never thought about. And at times, it's frustrating. Maddening. Makes me want to bite a metal fence post in two.

But they're learning how to think, and that's what I value above even my own peace of mind.

See, on a personal and professional level, I have seen too often the dangers of children and youth who don't know how to think for themselves. They are rudderless ships at the mercy of prevailing winds, and they usually end up wrecked. Broken. Destroyed.

How do kids end up that way? They're not allowed to ask questions. And when you're not allowed to ask questions, you learn that questions aren't meant to be asked. You take direction. You follow orders. You do as you're told.

In certain contexts, that is absolutely required. But those who follow orders the best are the ones who understand why the orders are necessary. And they know why the orders are necessary because they've been taught to understand and not just do.

Teaching my kids to think also means that what I teach them sinks in deeper, because they take ownership. I can pass my standards of morality down to my children more effectively by teaching them why we do what we do, why it matters that we do it that way, and how the outcome of our choices impacts those around us.

Does that mean that they'll always choose what's right?

Not a chance.

But that's the hidden flaw in the question's premise: presuming that how I train my child will automatically produce a better product. It can't hurt, mind you, but in the end we are talking about human beings with their own minds and wills and imaginations. You can take a wealth of parenting classes and be the most intentional, well-trained parent around and still have a child who chooses a life that breaks your heart in two. And in 13 years of professional ministry, I've seen a few kids who defied horrific home lives to become productive citizens.

For me, I plan to walk with my kids through as much of life as possible. Not necessarily holding their hands and over-protecting them, but being there to share my thoughts with them and solicit their thoughts too.

This is what I meant about getting to the destination by getting there. Some moments are eminently teachable and lend themselves to examination and sharing of wisdom. Other moments are spontaneous and crazed and disturbing and seem to be devoid of usefulness. But by being there, by asking questions and letting them be asked of me, even the chaos teaches. Even the insanity becomes coherent, if only in a small way.

We're way over the word limit here, so let me bring this thing full circle. I was blessed to have parents that allowed me to be me, and who encouraged me to think and investigate and discover. While they were never perfect, they taught me that life isn't just about reaction; it's about understanding. Or in the words of Solomon, "getting wisdom." That's what I want to do for my kids. Teach them to get wisdom, even from the unlikely sources.

If I can do that, then I will have done my part to raise a better tomorrow.