Out Damned Autocorrect

By Colleen Walsh Fong

I’ve gotten into a few jams lately because I have fat thumbs. So when I text I make mistakes that make me look crazy. And it doesn’t stop with texting because my fat thumbs aren’t the only things causing typos in my communications.

When I’m writing for clients, autocorrect doesn’t darken my door too often. That’s because I have it turned off in my MS Word settings. But in other business and personal communications I find software tools like autocorrect and spellcheck to be more of a hindrance than help. Autocorrect lurks around every electronic corner like Banquo’s ghost in Macbeth, wreaking havoc with my communications. And like Lady Macbeth I want to scream, “Out damned autocorrect; out, I say.” Or something close to that, which may not be so proper.

We’ve all seen the ridiculous texts that result from autocorrect on social media. My tool has no confidence in my ability to select the right word and it really hates my habit of using all lower case in that informal arena. Sorry but if I have to tap out a message with my thumbs I’m not going to make the effort to hit that upper case arrow. If you want caps from me contact me via email. Although that’s really no guarantee since I’m getting pretty lazy there, too.

Isn’t autocorrect supposed to be intuitive and learn my preferences? After three years it finally quit changing my abbreviation, “tks” for “thanks” to “tax.” Maybe because no one paid the tax anyway. It gets really confused sometimes. Like when it changed “ebook” to “evoo,” surprising the foodie in me. Since I’ve published three ebooks and have ghostwritten several others for clients it should know that I really mean “ebook” when I say it.

I was kind of tickled by its healthy choice of cooking fats except I then had to thumb out a correction text. You know the kind with the asterisk in front of the word you meant to say? Using that symbol bugs me even more because I have to find my reading glasses to prevent another typo. And I’m not old enough yet to start wearing them on a chain around my neck. Don’t hate on me if you keep your glasses on a chain! I’ve just started wearing reading glasses. I’m not ready for the chain yet.

Facebook is especially aggressive in its private message function. I could understand how it wouldn’t get some of my references 10 years ago when it was still a relevant platform for people under 50. But with everyone posting their grandchildren’s college graduation photos these days it needs to add some words to its predictive texting list. It should not have changed “ralph kramden” to “ralph crammed.” I’m sure the septuagenarians who dominate the medium these days know who Ralph Kramden was. Seriously! They only had three TV channels in their day and The Honeymooners was sure to have played in every market in the country way back in the olden days of the 1960’s.

Guys still covet man caves. Why did Facebook change my reference to my husband’s lair to “manacle”? That makes no sense since it’s his place of freedom.

And if Facebook still thinks it’s catering to millennials then why doesn’t it know terms like “vlog,” which it changed to “log?” Or “Youtube,” which it changed to “tube?” Or “GoDaddy,” which became “Godly?” I mean, it is a good service but I’m not ready to give it such a glowing moniker. Autocorrect went on to cause a ginormous misunderstanding when it changed that word to “generous” because I was talking about an egregious wrong. It made me sound cruel.

So stay out of my communications, autocorrect. You’re making me want to rave like Lady Macbeth. Out I say!

Colleen produces custom copywriting and content for branding businesses of all sizes.