Science Rules

By Colleen Walsh Fong

Bad Science

We’ve all heard the saying, “What goes up must come down.” It’s simple gravity. I’ve never been good at science. And I’ll bet the poor souls who were saddled with me as a lab partner back at good old John Hersey High are still mad about that injustice today. But in this one thing I am happy to be scientifically incorrect because I am interpersonally righteous. In my home, my rule is “What goes down must come up.”

Lest you think I’m referring to food, and you own or are considering purchasing one of my fabulously convenient and utterly affordable touchscreen cookbooks,rest at ease. I’m talking about stuff.

All kinds of stuff. Like slippers that make their ways from bedrooms to spots under the kitchen table and sometimes end up in the dog’s bed, partially chewed. Or guitar picks, capos, and sometimes even the guitars themselves that appear on family room couches. Or iPhone chargers that go missing from the charging station and mysteriously turn up in the basement rec room frequented by the twenty-somethings in the family. No, I’m not in that club nor do I want to be. Their clubhouse is a mess! And yes, I am complaining.

Toenail clippers, emery boards, and cotton balls and swabs make the kitchen counter look like Sally Beauty’s display case. Blankets, robes, socks, sweaters, and shoes for all kinds of weather have been found scattered about the main floor of my house. Their owners shed them as if we were a family of royals whose every need is attended to by the household staff. I might consider this an ideal set up if I didn’t comprise the entire household staff.

A few years ago I could see I was headed for an unpaid full-time career as the cleaning crew. So I decided to defy science and instituted my Reverse Gravity Rule: If you bring it down, you better take it back up.

Good Science

Do you ever experience that horrifying moment when you open your mouth to speak and hear your mom’s voice instead of yours? I do. And I notice there’s a big difference between my mom and me. She just had to make a sarcastic statement for her kids to get her point and act. I have to give additional instructions. For example, when my mom used to say, “You know those dishes won’t wash themselves,” I knew it was time to get up, rinse them, and put them in the dishwasher. Or else. I never found out what or else was, but I was sure I didn’t want it to happen. My kids need the extra, “Get up and rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher. And throw away that used napkin, too.” I guess I didn’t add enough or elses when they were growing up.

If I had been any good at science I think I would have made a career out of inventing self-cleaning dishes and self-grinding garbage disposals that activate when the food hits the sink. That way I wouldn’t always have to be mumbling under my breath about how the orange peels won’t grind themselves up.

By now these products probably exist anyway. Well, maybe not the self-cleaning dishes or cutlery. But it would have been really cool to be the wealthy inventor of the self-grinding garbage disposal. That way I could have a household staff and leave some stuff of my own lying around.

Colleen is a freelance writer specializing in producing custom content for businesses.

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