Alcohol, and family.

So how was your childhood growing up?  Was it perfect?  For most of us we have some sense of normalcy in our lives that keep us grounded.  But most of us, in some way, shape or form have to deal with life's shortcomings at an early age.  In my family, we had to deal with mom as the alcoholic.

I remember vividly the destructive effects of alcoholism growing up.  I had a mom who routinely abused alcohol and it was no day at the beach for over 15 years.  Coming home was the worst part.  How would she be today?  Normal, or off the wall.  Every day was filled with some type of anxiety of who I would see, Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde.  Occassionaly, it was a loving mom who made a nice dinner for the family. But, more often than not, I would come home to an irascible, mean spirited person, who could not be trusted to handle the basic needs of life.  The vicousness of the attacks were usually directed towards my dad, but I felt them too.  The usual attempts at hiding the alcohol never worked and I routinely found bottles hidden in amazing places in the house.  The emotional toll this took I still feel today to some degree or another.  I put up the usual fronts when I was 8 until I was about 12, but as I grew older I began to realize the fronts never could explain everything and thought the truth was the best medicine.  As cold and hard as it was dealing with this it created a great bond with my dad and I. 

I remember one time I called the police and had her arrested, that was a fun day. Yeah, mom in the slammer, that will teach her to be that way in front of me.  It did not work either.  My reaction to all of this was to work all the time and to not be home so much to have to deal with this insane person in our home.  But, avoiding reality does not work either. 

After 3 or 4 stints in rehab, I never thought she would be "cured".  I had a very negative outlook on life.  I knew if she were to ever get better I would have to try something more and different.  I tried compassion.  It worked for about 3 years and she stopped using it and life became normal for a while.  Normal was nice.  I was lucky enough to meet my wife during that period of normalcy, which I think was no coincidence. 

My mom relapsed and died from alcholism.  No fairytale ending here.  Sadly, I was happy.  She was finally free and at peace with the demons that caused her to do the terrible things she did while under the influence.  I always felt she did not have the internal mechanisms you need to deal with life and all of its problems, so she self medicated.  I made sure I would not live my life that way.  It is a terrible way to go through life.

If anyone wants to share a story, please feel free. It is not always easy to open up about things that are in your past, but I feel the only way to deal with them is to discuss it out in the open and not hide.