Ask Ant - No Invitation. No Gift. No Guilt.

DISCLAIMER: Antoinette Datoc is NEITHER a licensed therapist NOR a medical professional. She is a natural-born advice giver and adheres strictly to the tenet that humor is the best medicine for what ails you. If you think her advice is lousy, you can bet it'll make you laugh out loud...if you’re laughing at least you’re not crying.

DEAR ANT: My sister and I have been estranged for several years. A week ago she called to tell me her daughter had gotten married in a private ceremony at the courthouse. The couple did not want a reception, but afterwards my sister and her husband hosted a small dinner party at a restaurant for family and close friends. I sent my niece and her new husband a card with a nice note wishing them well.

Yesterday my sister called me again. This time she screamed at me for not acknowledging her daughter’s wedding with a gift. I told her that I did not feel a gift was expected from me since I was not invited to the wedding or the dinner and only found out about it after the fact. She said she called me in the first place because she didn't want me to be hurt if I found out about the wedding from someone else.

In spite of my sister’s and my differences I have always sent birthday and Christmas gifts to my niece as well as a little something to acknowledge her high school and college graduations. Please keep in mind I have never received a thank you note, an email or a phone call to acknowledge these gifts. In fact, I have not seen or heard from my niece in close to ten years until today when I received an email saying she was hurt because I hadn’t acknowledged her “special day.” She said just because I am mad at her mom, I shouldn’t take it out on her.

I am confused. I thought sending a card was sufficient given the circumstances, but now I am beginning to feel guilty. Am I wrong not to send a gift?  Am I letting the rift with my sister affect my relationship with my niece? What should I do? –GUILTY AUNT

DEAR GUILTY AUNT: You are only wrong not to send a gift if you are resisting a sincere desire to do so out of spite or resentment. Are you letting the rift with your sister affect your relationship with your niece? Maybe, but I don’t think so. Haven’t your gifts over the years been motivated by an attempt to maintain some sort of relationship with your niece in spite of your estrangement from her mother?

I don’t know what transpired between you and your sister, but whatever it is doesn’t give her permission to be rude. She should have put her feelings aside and demanded that her daughter send notes to thank you, but she didn’t. Given the lack of manners your sister cultivated in her daughter, does it really confuse you that your bridezilla of a niece had the audacity to whine about not getting a wedding gift from you? And by the way, your sister did not call you to avoid your feelings being hurt. She called you so you would send her daughter a gift.      

No thank-you notes, not a peep out of this girl for ten years, no wedding invitation and you feel guilty? My first piece of advice is to stay as far away from me as possible because I might have to slap you. Next, please craft a thoughtful reply to your niece’s email and hit the send button as soon as possible so you can put this mess behind you. Feel free to use the following example:

Dear (Niece’s Name),

As you know it's been my pleasure to send you gifts on your birthday and other special occasions over the years so I find it hard to imagine that you sincerely believe you are suffering under some sort of burden as a result of your mom’s and my differences. Simply put, I didn’t send you and your husband a wedding gift because you did not invite me to your wedding. I explained this to your mother on the phone. 

I am sorry if you feel my card and note did not sufficiently acknowledge your “special day,” but giving gifts to the bride and groom is a privilege reserved for those honored with an invitation to the wedding. Not inviting me sent a clear message that you did not wish to share your special day with me. Sharing is a two way street.     

I never meant to hurt your feelings. You are a married woman, and clearly it is time for you to be treated like an adult. Adults bear the consequences of their actions. The absence of a wedding gift from me is a rational consequence of your choice to exclude me from the celebration and nothing else. 

You are my niece and I love you. I am here if you need me. Keep in touch. My door is always open.

Love,

(Not) Guilty Aunt

Good luck and keep me posted. --ANT

is a freelance writer.  She mainatins two blogs, Just Another Ordinary Day and Ask Ant Advice.