The Two-Second Review: What's Playing in New Lenox, Orland and Country Club Hills, Aug. 26-Sept. 2

Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its official website, made by people who actually have seen the movie. The theater names will show you the times a movie is playing. If 3D isn't specified, the movie is 2D.

30 Minutes or Less
Some dimwitted crooks strap a bomb to a hapless pizza delivery guy and force him to rob a bank. Hilarity! Um, this happened in 2003. The guy died. Rated R. 83 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Captain America: The First Avenger
If Captain America were real, do you think the United States would have sent him to fight in Afghanistan? Rated PG-13. 124 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

The Change-Up
If you see only one scatalogically minded, body-switching comedy starring Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds this year, might we suggest Citizen Kane. Rated R. 101 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema 

NEW--Colombiana
After seeing her parents killed by mobsters as a young child, Zoe Saldana's character becomes a professional assassin out for revenge. How ridiculous. Everyone knows that when you witness your parents' murder you end up becoming Batman. Duh! Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

Conan the Barbarian
Originally Leno the Barbarian, then Conan the Barbarian, then back to Leno. Rated R. 112 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Cowboys & Aliens
How Arizona sees the world. Rated PG-13. 118 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema 

Crazy Stupid Love
New theory: There's a secret law that Emma Stone must appear in every third movie produced through 2013. Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

NEW--Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
More accurate title: Don't Be Afraid of Katie Holmes. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16 

Final Destination 5
I don't think they know what "final" means. Rated R. 95 minutes.
Playing in 2D and IMAX 3D at: Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: Orland Park Cinema
Playing in 3D and IMAX 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14

Fright Night
Colin Ferrell as a vampire, Chekov from the new Star Trek movie as the hero, McLovin as "Evil" Ed and a vampire-hunting Doctor Who. Nerdvana. Rated R. 120 minutes.
Playing in 2D and 3D at: Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Glee 3D Concert Movie
Boyfriends of the world, prepare to be forced to watch this. Rated PG. 120 minutes.
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
SPOILER ALERT: Daniel Radcliffe's career dies at the end. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing in 2D and IMAX 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14
Playing in 2D at: Orland Park Cinema

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and "the South in the 1960s." I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins. Also, Emma Stone. Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Horrible Bosses
That guy from the thing, the other guy who's been in some stuff and Jason Bateman conspire to kill their bosses. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14

One Day
Instead of talking about this romance film that's based on a novel with a hackneyed twist ending, let's build up the anticipation for Anne Hathaway's role as Selina Kyle/Catwoman in next year's The Dark Knight Rises. Ahhh, much better. Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema 

NEW--Our Idiot Brother
Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Rashida Jones and Zooey Deschanel all starring in the same movie? I've had dreams like this. Sweet, sweet dreams that aren't proper to share with strangers or relatives. Rated R. 90 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema,

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
The summary of the plot of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes: YOU MANIAC, JAMES FRANCO! YOU BLEW IT UP! Rated PG-13. 110 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

The Smurfs
The Smurfs come to the real world. Because children hate magical lands of enchantment. Rated PG. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
Available in 2D, 3D and 4D. I'm serious. They call it "Aroma-Scope." Also, they kept roles for the original Spy Kids, not just discarding them for the younger kids like so much Macauley Culkin. Good for you, Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG. 100 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Orland Park Cinema
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
'Splosions. Rated PG-13. 154 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16