The Doorbell Rings; Do You Answer, Or Has Etiquette Changed? Block Talk

Is it bad form to ignore someone knocking at the door?

We asked readers for Block Talk, Patch’s exclusive neighborhood etiquette column, if ignoring people who drop by unannounced is an etiquette faux pas.

Back in the day — your grandparents’ or great-grandparents’ day — such visits were welcome surprises, especially on Sunday afternoons. The visit might even have shown up in the “chicken dinner news” in the local newspaper, with a full accounting of who dropped by, what refreshments were served, and what a good time everyone had.

“Times have sure changed,” said Oakland Township-Lake Orion (Michigan) Patch reader Marilyn. “Thirty years ago, it was quite common to stop by someone’s home. In this day and age, it’s considered rude to drop in unannounced.”

Marilyn is unapologetic about ignoring the doorbell if she doesn’t know the caller.

“Generally, it’s a solicitor trying to sell me a roof or windows. I’m not interested in wasting my time or theirs and do not feel badly about ignoring the doorbell,” Marilyn said. “On the other hand if it’s my neighbor, I’ll always answer. That ring usually means they are in a bind and need a favor.”

The House Is On Fire

“Nobody I know stops by without calling. So whoever is dropping by is either a salesperson, a politician or whatever,” said Huntington (New York) Patch reader Scott.

“I also have a sign telling solicitors not to bother us. Some listen. Some don’t,” Scott said. “I don’t like telling people no, and I also have dogs that want to rush out at visitors, so it’s just easier to ignore my doorbell. I don’t care if they don’t like it.”

If a neighbor is calling, Scott is more accommodating. They’re accustomed to exchanging misdelivered mail. And besides, Scott said. “I like my neighbors.”

“It is rude to avoid answering the door,” said Patch reader Charlie. “That does not mean you have to invite them in. But at least find out what the reason for the call is (like they may be trying to tell you your house is on fire).”

Farmington-Farmington Hills (Michigan) Patch reader Joanne said she wouldn’t leave someone she knows standing at the door but doesn’t feel compelled to answer it for a stranger or solicitor.

“If it’s a person that you know, I don’t think it should be ignored. If it’s pressing enough to come to your door and not notify you ahead of time, it could be a real emergency,” said Mel, a Danvers (Massachusetts) Patch reader.

“However, if you do not know the person at your door and you are not expecting anyone, I think it’s best to use your own judgment on whether you feel it’s safe to answer, especially if you are home alone or with anyone incapable of calling for help if needed,” Mel added.

Your Home, Your Rights

Arlington (Virginia) Patch reader Tom said not answering the door can be a matter of self-preservation.

“The people most likely to knock announced today include salespeople, pollsters and the like,” Tom said. “As a result, it is absolutely acceptable to decline to answer the door. Many people, especially those who work from home, may find this essential to maintain focus — and sanity.”

“It’s the homeowner’s right to decide whether to answer the door. These days we are bombarded by people selling solar panels or other home improvements,” said Queens (New York) Patch reader Lulu. “I need that closed door to help keep my sanity. With all those crazy people out there, when people knock on my door nowadays, I need that closed, locked and alarmed door to keep me safe.”

Lulu added, “Do not give up the right to choose to whom or when you open your door, even if it’s neighbors. Be safe!”

Safety Over Rudeness

Several readers said etiquette standards need an update.

“Safety and comfort are more important than possibly offending someone,” Mendham-Chester (New Jersey) Patch reader Layla said. “My rule is if you haven’t been invited, the door shall remain closed.”

There are exceptions.

“If you know the visitor and they’re clearly distressed, it’s okay to answer and check on them,” she said.

“With all the break-ins by people purporting to be some type of service individuals, you should never answer the door to a stranger,” said Collingswood (New Jersey) Patch reader April.

Woodbury (Minnesota) Patch reader Junie said she lives in a close-knit neighborhood, where “it’s not unheard of for neighbors to just pop over if they have a quick question versus texting.”

“Let’s be real, though: Most of the time, it’s salesmen or realtors, and we aren’t interested in either,” Junie said. “Etiquette often gets pushed to the side since it very rarely gets updated as times change.”

Now, she said, “Safety is more of a concern than whether I appear rude for not answering the door.”

“As a woman, I will never answer the door if my husband isn’t home — unless it’s someone I’m expecting or one of the neighbor kids wanting to play with mine,” Junie continued. “My kids both know to never answer the door if they are home alone, no matter who it is.”

North Fork (New York) Patch reader BAC doesn’t answer the door either.

“I live alone, and for me, this is not an etiquette question; it’s about security. I do not care about ‘social graces.’ I care about staying safe in an increasingly dangerous world,” BAC said.

BAC has a doorbell camera and can see who’s at the door and respond appropriately.

“I never open the door to a stranger. I speak to them through the Ring and then decide how to proceed,” the reader continued. “If it’s someone I know, I will open it, though I may not invite them in.”

‘Someone Who Just Shows Up Is Rude’

Berkeley (New Jersey) Patch reader Minna flipped the question.

“If you want to talk about etiquette, someone who just decides to show up ringing your doorbell is rude and intrusive. Do they care about what you’re doing? You may be sick in bed or in the shower,” Minna said.

“The only etiquette there is anymore is that no one just stops by without a call,” said AnnMarie, an Upper Moreland-Willow Grove (Pennsylvania) Patch reader.

White Plains (New York) Patch reader Carol had a friend who showed up without asking if she was up for a visit.

“I never appreciated it,” Carol said. “It shows a total lack of respect.”

Georgia Patch reader Scrooge said people who know him will let him know they’re coming over.

“I had friends come over as a surprise, but even they called me from the driveway,” Scrooge said. “It was a great surprise.”

‘Hiding Seems The Better Choice’

“It’s absolutely okay to not answer the door! It’s no different than not answering a phone call; it’s completely my choice,” Howell (New Jersey) Patch reader Sally said. “To me, it doesn’t matter who it is. If I need to be without another person’s energy in my space, I have every right to do so.”

She added, “As a matter of kindness, hiding seems the better choice.”

“I’ve definitely hidden behind kitchen counters if they are solicitors. Depending on how you feel, I think it’s fine to not answer the door if it’s your neighbor. It’s your house; do what you want,” Ellicott City (Maryland) Patch reader Chris said. “I think it’s polite to let a neighbor know ahead of time if you are coming over by calling or texting. Some people have dogs that need to be crated; some like to tidy the house or even dress a certain way before people come over.”

“It’s impolite to show up uninvited and unannounced,” said Marple Newtown (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Hills, who confessed, “You shouldn’t have to hide, but I’ve done it.”

“You do not have to hide from, or answer the door for, anybody, no matter who they are,” said Cindy, a Malvern (Pennsylvania) Patch reader. “I believe the etiquette in these times is that no one should show up unannounced.”

“Hide! Keep yourself and your sanity safe!” said Hamden (Connecticut) Patch reader Mr. Hyde. “Always hide.”

Middleton (Connecticut) Patch reader Charlie doesn’t hide.

“I can see who is at the door, and if it is a solicitor and I’m busy with a TV program or puzzle, I just ignore them, and eventually they go away,” Charlie said.

“If I do decide to answer the door and they are trying to sell me something, I simply tell them I’m not interested,” Charlie said. “If they want to keep talking, as they are trained to do, I tell them ‘I don’t want to be rude, but you are making me,’ and I close the door.”

“If we’re in the middle of a critical task, we’re okay with not answering. If it’s someone we don't welcome or really do not want to see, it’s absolutely OK,” said Waukesha (Wisconsin) Patch reader Jolene. “Calling ahead shows good manners.”

“I’m not hiding. I just won’t answer the door,” Scotch Plains-Fanwood (New Jersey) Patch reader LJD said. “Personal safety does matter. If I don’t know who you are, I’m not answering my door!”

LJD may let the person knock in other circumstances as well.

“If it’s my neighbor, it all depends on how I’m feeling. I may not answer, because she is a little talkative,” LJD said. “I will not answer the door for my family if they didn’t call or text before they came over.”

About Block Talk

Block Talk is a regular Patch feature offering real-world advice from readers on how to resolve everyday neighborhood problems. If you have a neighborhood etiquette question or problem you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with Block Talk as the subject line.

You May Also Like This

The Question is a new, exclusive Patch series that poses a broad array of questions about etiquette and what to do in certain situations — and readers provide the answers.

Respond to our most recent survey:

• What’s The Best Thing To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving? [The Question]

Catch Up On Block Talk

• How Early Is Too Early To Start Mowing On The Weekends?
• Speeding Through Neighborhoods? Read This Before Someone Is Killed
• Dog Poop Shows What ‘Lazy Slobs’ Some Owners Are
• Unruly Parents Are Ruining Youth Sports
• Neighbors Share Random Acts Of Kindness That ‘Blew Them Away’
• If You Don’t Return A Shopping Cart, Are You A Total Jerk?
• ‘Poop Cleanup In Aisle 9’: Do Dogs Belong In Stores?