A Pinch of Salt, a Dash of Pepper: The Science of Making Friends

(This piece was originally run in the June 2014 e-edition of "What's Happening!")

Friendship has been noted to be a pivotal part of the human experience. Despite the importance of friendships, the vast literature regarding relationships has focused primarily on romantic relationships and what is needed to develop and sustain these interactions. Arguably, love is an important component of human existence. However, recognizing the importance of friendship to the health and well-being of the individual is worth exploring as research consistently shows that people of all ages report higher levels of satisfaction if they have three or more friends.

The social science of making friends is not that complex. Individuals seeking friends must be open the ideas and personalities of others. People that are unwilling to listen to what others have to say and reject potential friends that have different personalities will not have an easy time finding friendship. A desire to connect with other people is also helpful in relating with others as it creates a foundation for openness in accepting and understanding others. Even with these ingredients in place, some people will continue to struggle to make friends. If this happens, additional effort may be needed to acquire these relationships.

Often, friendship is viewed as a natural occurrence of interacting with others. Even though friendships do occur naturally as a result of daily contact with others at work or school or in the community, for some establishing deep personal connections will take more time and commitment. If you are one of these individuals or know someone that has difficulty in this area, you can change the situation by recognizing that friendships often require work to make them happen. Just as you set financial goals or educational goals, friendship goals can also be set. This process requires careful consideration of your behavior and what you can do to connect with others.

Building friendships requires self-reflection to determine personal strengths and weaknesses. In short, to be a good friend you have to know how to be a friend. This can be done by considering what you bring to the table in terms of friendship and what areas for improvement may be needed for you to establish these relationships. Moving forward, this information can be used to build strengths and to work on deficits, enabling you to more objectively assess your friendship capabilities. Although the process can be difficult and may require you to face some difficult aspects of your behavior or personality it can provide a basis for building friendships. In the end a dash of self-reflection and a pinch of strengthening weaknesses can go a long way to making friends.

Although making friends is not a complex process, for individuals with autism or other intellectual disabilities, the process of engaging others and creating the bonds needed for lasting friendships can be difficult to cultivate. Autism and other intellectual disabilities can limit the ability of the individual to utilize expressive language and to notice important social cues that are vital to understanding the needs of others. Even though these challenges exist, it is possible to learn some of the more practical social skills involved with developing and sustaining friendships. The challenge for teens and adults with autism and intellectual disabilities is to recognize that making friends is important and that additional work may be needed to achieve this important goal.

Once the importance of friendship has been identified, individuals with disabilities can begin the process of working toward improving their social capabilities. While engagement in social skills training provided in schools and through therapists can be an important first starting point in this process, individuals with autism and other disabilities must also recognize personal attributes and skills that can be a benefit or a detriment to the development of friendships. In short, individuals in this position must keep in mind that making friends can be a difficult task. One that will require them to engage in some type of self-reflected in order to be effective at being a good friend. Developing these skills and creating the capabilities needed to engage with others and develop meaningful relationships will be a notable undertaking bit the process will have rewards that last a lifetime. As such, even through the process may at first seem difficult, there is a real motivation for individuals to seek out close friendships and to work to make these relationships work over the long-term.

Dr. Clatch practices at Courage To Connect Therapeutic Center, at 2400 Ravine Way, Suite 600, in Glenview. For more information, call (847) 730-3042 or visit couragetoconnecttherapy.com.