Courage vs. Self-Esteem

Recently, a friend was effusing over her son’s serious girlfriend. ‘She is amazing,’ my friend said. ‘She possesses every quality you’d want for your son. She is smart, kind, loving, beautiful, brave...’ ‘Brave?’ I thought.  The word struck me.

Bravery. Yes. It takes copious amounts of bravery to be married. How do you prepare for a lifetime of joy and pain? How do you prepare for parenthood? For promotions and adventure? For success? Alternatively, how do you prepare for infertility, disease, unemployment, addiction, infidelity, disability, boredom, bankruptcy, deceit or death?

It takes courage to stay. It takes courage to leave. It takes courage to forgive. It takes courage to apologize. It takes courage to discipline. It takes courage to be consistent. It takes courage to free-fall. It takes courage to ask for more. It takes courage to accumulate less. Some days, it takes courage to simply get out of bed.

So if bravery is at the heart of marriage, and, indeed, every happy and healthy life, why is it we don’t nurture this attribute more often in our daughters? We educate them, encourage them, tell them they can be anything they want to be and then tether them with invisible chains of pleasing. We tell them they can have it all, but only if they are polite, well-mannered, keep a tidy home, look good (but not too good), volunteer and sacrifice their happiness for the sake of everyone around them.

We are so caught up in building our daughters’ self-esteem, we forget that resilience and inner-strength will pull them through more tough times than feeling good about themselves ever will. Scoring that goal, being beautiful or getting straight A’s is nice, but what about teaching her risk taking? What about teaching her the importance of failing? What about nurturing her ability to say ‘no’? What about teaching her how to maintain personal boundaries so she learns to serve others while valuing her body, mind, talents and time?

Self-esteem is not paramount.

Believing throughout their childhood that they are smart or beautiful or talented isn’t enough to help our daughters navigate the rocky road ahead. Like learning to tie a shoe, we must teach our girls to trust themselves. They must know, from their core, that they are resilient enough to fail, strong enough to take risks and that they are so very worthy of happiness and joy. They must know that relationships are meant to strengthen them, not weaken them. They must be given permission to develop a sense of purpose and learn to resist defining success by society’s standard.

All this comes from allowing her the delight of being spirited, of being independent, of being allowed to fail and learn from mistakes. Encourage her to say ‘no’. Teach her to question every ‘should’ she tells herself ~ I should be doing this or I should want to do that. These are the life skills that allow our girls (and boys, for that matter) to develop strength, resilience and bravery.

From negotiating hefty bonuses to creating boundaries around volunteering or needy family members, I coach women as they tap into their bravest selves. Happily, one is never too old to learn these skills. There is no better way to empower our daughters than to lead by example. And who doesn’t want to be the brave heroine of her own story?