Chicago Bears Post-Game: Vikings Blow Chunks, We Win

Oh, was there a Bears game last night? Right.

Chicago played on NBC’s Sunday Night Football and forced Bears fans to endure the oft-screeching voice of Chris Collinsworth.

Sunday nights are for scrubbing out your boat of fish slime, hiding in the garage from your family to spit-shin your tool set or install a new carburetor on your ‘57 Mustang.

And with a team going into last night with a record of 2-3, I would much rather have been doing anything, like blowing up the 18-foot inflatable ghosts we have for Halloween and for the neighborhood kids to use as a tackling dummy.

But instead, the lure of the Bears brought me to the TV to watch the game. The Vikings possessed incredible suckage coming in to Soldier Field at 1-4. There were, however, a few fellas on the Vikes sidline who took me down memory lane—McNabb, Mount Caramel’s very own and, one, Leslie Antonio Frazier, a member of the ‘85 Bears.

Outside of that there was top-flight running back Adrian Peterson (who we held to 39 yards running) and NFL sack leader Jared “Eat Fresh” Allen.

The Bears dominated and won 39-10. After taking a 26-3 halftime lead, I went out and smoked the rest of my dried, curled and chewed up cigar in my garage and turned on some Sam Cooke, silenced the game (see said Chris Collinsworth reference above) on my TV elevated in the back of the garage.

Cutler only got sacked once—there were big holes for Forte to run through—and the moronic kicker for the Vikes directed the ball right at Devin Hester, who made him pay with a 93-yard TD and Julius Peppers who had two sacks.

You want me to call over my buddies Johnny New Shoes, Collard Green Grabinski and CJ Hooker and start a band to play down the middle street in celebration?

You want me to hang a Bears flag on my front porch, like many fans do, as some sort of emblem of a war well won?

You want me to order Italian Beef from Portillo’s and have a post-game binge so I can wake up Monday morning with a face more bloated than Daniel Baldwin?

We are 3-3. We are far from the lead in the division and have to travel to London to eat carp and chips. Bears vs Bucaneers in London? Surely there will be some Australian Rules Football on ESPN3 to watch on my dual screen that will help numb the boredom.

If I don’t sound excited and you are ashamed at your fellow Bears fan then do me a solid and take a Vicodin. Its hard for me to go Lady Gaga over the Bears beating up the Bad News Vikes.

Maybe I need therapy. You are right. This calls for a boat ride down the majestic Fox River with my harpoon so I can yank some out some large-mouth bass or some crappie (yes lady, that is an actually fish-- symbolic?).

God save the Queen. The Bears are coming.