Improve How You and Your Teen Talk to Each Other

With the popularity of email, texting, and social networks, it’s likely that our adolescents are our most industrious communicators; they also are often our most impulsive. 

Their inexperience sometimes leads to conflict that can create new challenges for both them and us.  Like many adults, high school age students often don’t reflect on their day-to-day communication until it’s too late.  If you don’t believe me, check out your kids’ tweets and Facebook pages.

Even if your own son/daughter is a responsible communicator, I promise that by sifting through their social networks, you’ll find that many of his/her friends are not.  The key to effective communication is, plain and simple, preparation.  Preparing and planning for communication is especially essential to better connect with your teen. 

Educators and representatives from industry have started to take notice of the importance of teaching 21^st Century Employability Skills and taking steps to help students improve these fundamental capacities.  At Urbandale High School, our staff has access to a curriculum devoted to improving skills like communication, negotiation, and collaboration that students, and many adults, often take for granted.  Consider these simple tips for improving communication skills shared by The Institute for Excellence and Ethics, the authors of Power2Achieve (P2A).

Seek first to understand.  Listen actively.  Ask questions that help the speaker to clarify for both of you what he/she means and show that you are listening and interested in his/her point of view.

Then, seek to be understood.  To be understood, enlist the analogy of a game of catch.  Use statements that the other person can “catch” that begin with I.  Examples of catchable statements are, “I think this way because,” “I feel this way because,” and “I plan to follow through because.”  Be sure to avoid using “dart-style, you-statements” that divide, distract, and disrespect or blame, insult, or attack the personality or character of the other person.”  It’s difficult to catch a dart without somebody getting hurt.  Examples of  “dart-style” statements are, “You caused this to happen,” or “How could you be so stupid?”

Those of you familiar with Stephen Covey will immediately recognize one of his Seven Habits of Highly Successful People: Seek to understand, then to be understood.

As common sense as this approach sounds, very few high school students have ever heard of Covey or his Seven Habits.  Those who have never been exposed to “Seek to Understand…,” have never had the opportunity to consider how to plan to communicate effectively using the simplicity and logic of this technique.  The next opportunity you get to visit with your son/daughter about a topic that could get complicated, plan your communication with a discussion about what it means to “seek first to understand.” 

John Powell said, “Communication works for those who work at it.”  Although many believe, wrongly, that communication is an innate talent that you either have or you don’t, the truth is that it is a powerful skill that can be improved with reflection and practice. 

Take a few minutes to consider your own communication practices.  Reflect a moment on an upcoming opportunity to communicate and consciously plan to “Seek first to understand, then seek to be understood.”

 Above all, try to avoid impulsive conversations with your teen and others.  Plan the conversation.  Plan how you want the conversation to go, the words you will use and the manner with which you will “toss” them to your son/daughter.  With a considerate approach, you’ll find that it is possible, even welcomed, to have a respectful exchange with your adolescent child.