Sibling rivalry is something that most siblings have experienced at some point during their childhood. Often it is caused, at least in part, by children fighting for attention from their parents. One sibling being annoyed by another one can also contribute to fighting between siblings.
While it is a fairly common occurrence, intense sibling rivalries can often become very frustrating for parents to deal with. In addition, such rivalries sometimes cause significant conflict between children and their parents, and in some cases may affect self-esteem and cause other issues.
Here are a few practical strategies to help you deal with intense sibling rivalries:
1) Identify what is causing the frequent conflict. Observe what situations cause your children to fight. Does it seem that they fight for attention from their parents? Are there situations in which one sibling becomes annoyed with the behavior of the other sibling? By trying to identify the most frequent causes of conflict, one can better stop the conflict. In addition to your observations of what may be causing the conflict, speaking with your children individually and together and asking them about their thoughts on the causes of the conflicts with their siblings can provide useful information and start a dialogue on working collaboratively to address sibling rivalry issues.
2) If any part of the conflict is likely due to wanting attention from the parents, give each child attention. Specifically, allot a time each week where each child gets alone time with their parent. For instance, you may take one child for donuts on Tuesday afternoons and the other child for donuts on Wednesday afternoons. Or it may simply be that you spend one hour on a given night playing a card game with one child and another hour later that night or another night playing a game with the other child. It is important that the alone time allotted be as equal as possible for each child. Children tend to become jealous very easily if they perceive their sibling getting more attention or special treatment than them. Thus, devoting special time with your child without their sibling (s) is most effective when the time spent is equal with all siblings.
3) If you have one child who requires more attention due to academic, behavioral, emotional, or other difficulties, make sure that you are devoting about as much individual attention to the other children if possible to ensure that they do not feel that they are being neglected. In some cases where one child requires more attention, the child without difficulties begins acting out in order to get more attention. In such cases, try to devote individual time to the siblings without significant difficulties so that they do not feel that they need to have difficulties in order to get extra attention.
4) Identify situations that result in sibling conflict and take steps to prevent fighting. By planning ahead and identifying situations likely to lead to conflict, one can put strategies and interventions in place to alleviate the likelihood of such conflicts from occurring. For example, if your children fight constantly when sitting in the backseat of the car together, identify strategies to prevent this from occurring. It may be that having your children listen to headphones, play video games, play car games such as license plate bingo, or participate in a reward system for good behavior helps reduce the conflict. If your vehicle allows for it, having your children sit in different rows can also be helpful.
I hope that this information has been helpful. If you find yourself dealing with frequent sibling rivalry, trying to understand the cause of it is the first step in determining solutions to stop it.
Dr. Carey Heller is a licensed psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group LLC in Bethesda, Maryland. He specializes in work with children, adolescents, and young adults, and is happy to answer questions and provide consultations for individuals who are considering pursuing treatment or an evaluation for their child, adolescent, or themselves. Dr. Heller can be reached at (301)-385-2610 or careyheller@thehellerpsychologygroup.com.
For appointments, please call the office at (301) 385-2610 or email The Heller Psychology Group at appt@thehellerpsychologygroup.com with your contact information and availability for appointment times.
*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship, and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*
