When children and adolescents are disrespectful to their parents, it can become very frustrating and irritating to deal with. In many cases, children and adolescents say obnoxious statements such as "You're stupid, shut up, I hate you, etc." because they are experiencing a strong emotion and are unable or choose not to express their feelings. When children and adolescents use such statements, they are most often angry, irritated, or frustrated.
Here are a few strategies to assist you in curbing your child/adolescent's mouthing off:
1) Pay attention to situations in which it most frequently occurs. Look for similarities. For instance, does the mouthing off occur when you ask your child to clean their room? Does it occur most often right after they get home from school? Figuring out patterns as to when it occurs can be very helpful in stopping your child or adolescent from mouthing off. Once you determine when it most frequently occurs, try to figure out why it may be occurring. Specifically, look at what emotions your child/adolescent is most likely experiencing in such situations. For example, if they tell you to "shut up" when you ask them to clean their room, perhaps they are angry at being asked to do something that they do not want to do. Your child or adolescent may have trouble following through on requests or have had trouble in the past going to their room and maintaining focus to clean it sufficiently. This could lead to anger. It is possible your child or adolescent is overtired and feels irritated by a request to do something when they are already very busy at the moment with other tasks that they need to complete.
2) Help your child/adolescent to vocalize their feelings in such situations instead of saying "shut up" or something else. When your child or adolescent is calm and not in the middle of a situation where they are likely to get upset, sit them down and talk with them about how they seem to mouth off to you when they are upset, angry, or irritated. Help them to become aware of how their feelings are contributing to them mouthing off in certain situations. Encourage them to vocalize their feelings when in a situation instead of mouthing off.
3) In order to encourage your child/adolescent to vocalize their feelings instead of mouthing off, start by asking them to label their emotion when they start mouthing off. For instance, if you ask your child to take out the trash and they say "shut up," tell your child that you understand something is bothering them and ask them to identify what emotion they are feeling (i.e. anger, frustration). For younger children and even some older ones, you may need to initially prompt them by identifying a few common negative emotions to help them choose which one they are experiencing at the moment.
4) Once your child or adolescent is able to regularly identify what emotion they are feeling instead of mouthing off, encourage them to explain why they are experiencing a specific emotion. For instance, if you ask your child to clean up the toys in the living room and they vocalize that they are feeling angry, try to get them to explain why. Younger children may need some prompting with ideas. In this situation, perhaps the child was angry at being asked to clean up the toys because they were his young siblings' toys. Maybe the child and his older sister take turns cleaning up the toys and it was supposed to be his sister's turn. The general principal here is that children and adolescents usually have a reason for mouthing off, which has to do with experiencing a strong emotion. By helping them to identify the emotion and explain why they are experiencing it, it can allow them to vocalize their negative feelings and you can work collaboratively with them to address the issues causing them to mouth off to you.
5) Points Chart: Some children may need additional reinforcement to not mouth off. In such cases, you can setup a points chart where your child earns a certain number of points each time they handle a situation appropriately that could result in mouthing off. Prior to implementation, it should be clear how many points are needed to earn specific incentives. A future blog post will discuss a points chart in more depth in the context of guidance on developing a behavior plan at home.
I hope this information has been useful. When handling your child or adolescent's mouthing off, it is always important to look at how they are feeling and what is likely causing them to mouth off in a given situation.
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Dr. Carey Heller is a licensed psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group LLC in Bethesda, Maryland. He specializes in work with children, adolescents, and young adults, and is happy to answer questions and provide consultations for individuals who are considering pursuing treatment or an evaluation for their child, adolescent, or themselves. Dr. Heller can be reached at (301)-385-2610 or careyheller@thehellerpsychologygroup.com.
For appointments, please call the office at (301) 385-2610 or email The Heller Psychology Group at appt@thehellerpsychologygroup.com with your contact information and availability for appointment times.
*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship, and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*
