Argh! There is so much going on in my life right now. Some I can talk about, some I can't. Then there's the stuff I so much want to express but can't because, well, I just can't.
The last few years have been busy, hectic, rewarding, and disappointing. Like everyone, I have had my moments of sheer joy and utter devastation. Highlights include two of my five daughters getting married with all their siblings and my sisters children as members of the wedding party. Welcoming two wonderful young men into our family is an amazing feeling, especially when they make my girls so happy. A bonus on top of that is being just outside the delivery room and hearing the precious first cry of my very first grandchild: a little boy named Beau.
Learners permits, drivers licenses, braces on, braces off, and annual celebrations of birthdays and holidays are all wonderful family times. When you can welcome family members back into the fold who have drifted away because, well, those things happen, you feel such joy for a second chance. It's a real gift to have my Mom and brother Nick back in my life. To be able to talk to them when I want to or need to is such a blessing.
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These gifts are mingled with the betrayal of a new friend, the loss of family members, and the disappointments of dreams that just aren't meant to be. There are times when my heart is so heavy I have to fight to hold back the tears. This is not the place to discuss the things that are bothering me the most, the deepest cuts that have only begun to bleed. My closest friends are surrounding me in person and in spirit with warm hugs, encouraging words, and countless prayers. Oh how I wish I could let the words out, if only I were that brave.
It's scary hurting this much and not knowing what to do with it or how to handle it. Where will this take me? Will the choices I have to make be the right ones or will they end up being something I end up paying for more then I intended? I wish it was as easy as typing the hurts in the google bar and choosing the right websight for an answer. It doesn't work that way. Trust me, I was crazy enough to try.
