Letting Go of Lonely

When my ex and I first broke up, my first response was to cry because I equated being alone with being lonely, which are NOT two mutually inclusive things.  Lonely is a state, according to Webster’s, of being sad, bleak, desolate, and sometimes achingly miserable.  To be alone, however, is to be by oneself, exclusive of anyone else.  A lot of times people are alone by choice. For example, I am alone right now, writing this article. However, in a minute, I can choose to be with others.

However, becoming used to being alone does require a certain mind-set, and, if it’s not mastered, being alone can certainly veer deeply into being lonely. Following are lessons I learned regarding being alone, and I hope they make that period in someone else's life, a lot more tolerable.

1.    Cry yourself a river. Find yourself a solitary place to grieve and vomit up all your emotions. Have yourself a free-for-all. You have a legitimate reason to grieve and the sheer release of your pent-up emotions will put you on the road to healing.  Let yourself feel every rotten emotion that comes up and OWN it.  BUT, and this is a really big BUT - set a time limit on the grief.  This is not a license to grieve every day for the next 365 days.  Give yourself a week or two where you allow everything to spill out and then STOP.  That’s the important part.  You have to stop at a certain point and move on with your life.  If you need professional emotional support during this time, then seek it.  There are a number of organizations designed to help you maneuver through your emotions and there is no shame in utilizing help more knowledgeable than yourself.

2.    Once you’ve cried yourself dry, find activities to keep you busy. Now is not the time to become a potato chip munching recluse. Clean out your closet, paint that extra bedroom you’ve always wanted to redecorate, go bike riding or volunteer at a shelter.  

3.    Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of your EX - (not your kids), but old pictures, cards, dried flowers, knick-knacks, whatever.  If you wish to return the items to him, mail them.  If not, burn them or put them in the trash. This is all about your healing.

4.    Enlist your friends’ help. Pour your heart out to one or two CLOSE friends and ask their advice.  But please don’t take their advice if it involves retaliatory measures (i.e., keying his car, putting soda in his gas tank), or doesn’t correlate with your getting back on your feet.

5.    When sharing your situation with acquaintances, adopt an old Southern saying: Don’t put all your business in the street.  As much as you’d like to make your Ex the villain of this play, take the high road. Over-sharing and TMI (too much information) is out of bounds, and once all the juicy garbage is out there, it’s next to impossible to contain it again. A simple, "We’re no longer together," is usually sufficient to acquaintances.  If they’re overly invasive, your acquaintances are too nosy.  Gently shake your head and tell them you’d rather not talk about it now.  If they won’t let it go, find another group of acquaintances.

6.    When you’re ready - and you’ll know when that is - join some type of group, i.e., a literary group, photography club, or volunteer at a hospital, etc.  Inevitably, you’ll find yourself surrounded by other interesting people who are just as alone as you.  Most cities generally have dozens of activities designed to keep your mind occupied.  Why not utilize them.

7.    Resist rebound dating or hooking up with someone right away to replace your Ex.  Not only is that dangerous emotionally, but unfair to whomever you hook up with.  Dating someone to assuage your loneliness is never fair, makes you a "user," and seldom works out.

8.    Do not adopt a woe-is-me attitude.  Resist feeling sorry for yourself or criticizing yourself.  Realize that you’re in great company (millions of women have stood where you’re standing), and although that isn’t wonderful news, at least understand you’re not the ONLY ONE who’s ever gone through a heart-rending break-up.

9.    Resist feeling spiteful toward your EX.  While that might be an incredibly hard thing to do (it sure was for me!), the sooner you move to a place of forgiveness, the sooner you’ll be able to release the anguish you’re going through.  It may take a long time to get there, granted, but vow to yourself to curb your tongue and your thoughts where your EX is concerned.  Every time he comes to mind, remind yourself to Let It Go.  

10.    Celebrate and love yourself.  Now is the perfect time to lavish yourself with praise, kindness and affection.  Buy yourself flowers, or a nice negligee.  Go to a spa and get the total package - manicure, pedicure, stone massage.  You’re still special with or without him.  Fact: your relationship blew up in your face.  Fact: you’re not defined by your relationship.  Who you are is totally separate from your past relationships, friendships or employment.  Who you are is a beautiful gift to the Universe.  Remind yourself continuously of your worth.

11.   If the breakup was an especially nasty, hurtful one, DON"T take him back unless the two of you are willing to go to work to resolve any ongoing issues and bring about change.  

Being alone doesn’t have to be a wilderness experience; it can be a wonderful time to nourish yourself and find joy in the fact that you survived whatever came your way.