Blood Bank of Beth Shalom

While going through treatment, I had enough blood drawn to start my own blood bank and feed the cast of True Blood.

I went every Friday before chemo to ensure all blood levels were okay to receive chemo on the following Monday. I am one patient that likes to "see" everything, I like to be involved in my health decisions, and this included seeing every blood result.

One morning,I was reading the results and noticed that my "African American" was negative! Wow, I thought to myself, couldn't they have just asked me what I was, couldn't they look at me and tell I was Ashkanazi? Or were my angelic looks fooling them too? And furthermore how does your blood know if you're African American or not?

Anyway, I was kind of bummed out, just think if it came back positive, I could have traded my Camry for an Escalade, had a new career as a rap artist, and people would have stopped looking at me weird when I ate chicken and waffles!
I know you're asking yourselves do they really test for this? The answer is yes, it is part of the kidney function tests!  Why don't they test for Asian, Latino, or Arab?

I always felt like my blood bank was a Jewish one, always making deposits, never withdrawals, as this would require work, and the guilt of taking out of the Bank of Beth Shalom! Oy!

They would take blood from the port in my chest. One day my port literally exploded, it looked like a volcano was erupting from my chest! My oncologist was out of town so I had to see his partner, he told me, it looked like I had an infection! What a smart doctor, and to think, he went to med school and told me what my chest already knew! Genius!I was sent to the surgeon as an emergency to have the port removed. I opted to stay awake for this! For all of you who have had a port, crazy, believe me I know!

The surgeon kept pulling and pulling, how long is the port I asked as she pulled more! When it was finally out, I thought I would throw up on the spot seeing what I had been walking around with.

And here I thought it was just a bottle top that had been inserted! More like a two liter cola bottle that was just shaken!

I don't think your body likes foreign objects Beth, Really doc? Care to run a Latin lover by me and let me be the judge of that? Laughing at these difficult times let me know that I was not my cancer and there was a certain and perverse humor in the bodily insults that kept arising, and besides, I was and, am convinced that laughter kills cancer cells!

From that point on, I had blood draws from my arm and chemo pushed through my hand which left me with even more scars, but, I thank my lucky scars I'm alive!

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book due out right after the first of the year with me performing a one woman show.

Make Mine A Double....A Mastectomy That Is.