Scream Free Parenting? Not in this house..

Once upon a time, when I was a “new mom”, I thought that if I read enough parenting books, I’d be the perfect parent.  With the perfect kids, of course.  I have several bookshelves filled with parenting magazines, books, etc. that I collected over the course of years.  I still refer to those books from time to time, but now I mostly read them for comedic relief—in other words, as a total joke.

I mean really, if you’re spending thousands of hours writing a book about your personal perfect parenting method, you’re probably not spending as many hours as many of us moms and dads are spending actually parenting our children.  And, if you’re writing about a method that worked wonders for you when you were raising your now grown children, I’ll bet that half the suggestions you have are now outdated. And, more likely, you have totally forgotten the day to day crap that you have to slog through as a parent.  You’re probably remembering the highlights of parenting.  The moments, here and there, that stand out.  Not the hours of pure hair-pulling agony of trying to get your kids to finish homework, set the table, clear the table, get their showers/baths done, read their required minutes for reading homework, clean their rooms, brush their teeth, and stop fighting with their brother/sister/friends/hamster/stuffed animals and just go to freaking sleep right now!!!!

One of my personal favorite books was titled something like “Scream Free Parenting.”  Right.  I should have known right away that this was fiction.  I’m sure that somewhere there is a mom or dad who swears by this book as the parenting bible in their household, but I don’t buy it.   Actually, I did, but then I got rid of it.  In the recycler. 

I can’t imagine a day that goes by when I don’t raise my voice, at least a little.  Why?  Because kids apparently don’t think you’re serious unless you’re turning six shades of red and purple, with a giant vein throbbing on your forehead, while yelling at the top of your lungs.

I’ve tried the non-screaming method.  I have done the whole “explaining in a calm voice” thing.  The “talking very very softly to get their attention” thing.  The “natural consequences” thing, which does work for some instances, but not for the “go to bed right now” or “stop fighting with your sister” situations, among others.  The only natural consequence there is me losing my ever-loving mind.  And, possibly, crying.

Frankly, the only way I can imagine a scream free childhood is if someone, anyone!!, is on a heavy dose of Xanax.

 It seems like in every family I talk to, the kids truly don’t think you’re serious until you’re shouting.  They can block out the whispered requests to not kill their sibling, blown directly in their tiny ears.  They can completely ignore the calm explanations for why they need to pick up their toys and laundry and put them both away.  They can feign deafness when quietly asked whether they have finished their homework, and to please turn the TV off and set the table for dinner.

And, when those attempts fail—it’s darn hard to ignore mom or dad “losing their schmit” and screaming bloody murder that it’s time to get their tiny heinies to the dinner table and then finish their school work, practice their violin, take a shower—with soap this time, dammit!—and get the heck to bed!!!!!

That doesn’t mean I don’t strive for a calm, respectful household where everyone behaves like a textbook family.  I just realize, by now, that that’s just not going to happen on a regular basis.  I mean, we all know that the Cleaver’s were fictional!  And yet, sixty years later we still strive for that household, even though they never existed except on a script written by people not currently at home wiping their own childrens’ butts and trying to “calmly” explain that chocolate cake is not an appropriate breakfast.

But, sometimes, it does make for an awesome dinner…