Former Senate Aide Who Killed Self After Child Porn Arrest Left Note of Explanation

A former top U.S. Senate aide whom officials say killed himself at his parents' house in Sykesville last week after being charged with possessing child pornography left a letter saying he was abused as a child, and his mother has posted the note online, reports the Huffington Post.

The body of Jesse Loskarn, 35, a former chief of staff to Republican Senator Lamar Alexander of Tennessee, was discovered in the basement of his parents' house on Jan. 23, the Baltimore Sun reported.

Carroll County Sheriff’s Department deputies were called to a house on Ken Mar Drive by family members who found an unresponsive Loskarn. He has been residing with family since his December arrest on suspicion of possessing and attempting to distribute child pornography. He had faced a total maximum of 30 years in prison if convicted on two charges.

Alexander fired Loskarn following his arrest.

Court documents said a computer hard drive seized at Loskarn's home in Washington, D.C., contained footage of a girl being molested, along with hundreds of videos of underage boys engaging in sexually explicit conduct, the newspaper says.

The letter by Loskarn was found by his mother. In an introduction to the letter, she writes, “During this tragic time he had no voice, but in his death he can be heard. Our society is quick to judge, especially when the topic surrounding his death is so difficult.”

 Read Jesse Ryan Loskarn's last message

In the letter, Loskarn acknowledges that he hurt his friends, colleagues and Sen. Alexander.

“I owe many, many people an explanation – if that’s even possible – and that’s why I’ve written this letter,” he writes. “The news coverage of my spectacular fall makes it impossible for me to crawl in a hole and disappear. I’ve hurt every single human being I’ve ever known and the details of my shame are preserved on the internet for all time. There is no escape.”

The abuse happened when he was a child, Loskarn writes, and he blamed himself for the incidents. 

“I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse. It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video,” his letter says. “The more an image mirrored some element of my memories and took me back, the more I felt a connection.”

In his letter Loskarn acknowledged that some people would be skeptical of the reason he viewed the pornography.

“In some ways I feel disgusting sharing this truth with you because in my heart I still struggle to see my 5-year-old self as a victim. But I’m sharing this with you because it is the truth, not an excuse. And I believe it played a role in my story.”