Silence Is Not Always Golden Elita Sohmer Clayman

All Moms are proud of their children, and think they are the most beautiful/handsome, smart and kind. Some of us really have a child like that and others think they have a child like that.

I do have a child like that and even though he is forty-seven, he will always be my baby; as I being the younger child of my parents was their baby, to the day they passed on. I always use that phrase passed on, because it sounds kinder, than stating that they died.

My best friend was cremated and I do not believe in that. Of course, everyone does what they please when that sad time comes upon us. I was told by her only child, her baby and also her oldest child, that in the hospice where she was for her last few days, the daughter was discussing this with her mother. I do not know whether this is what she requested or what the daughter wanted done. I knew her for sixty years and I do not think she would really want the cremation. She felt as I do, that at least you are somewhere and your family can come to visit and even ‘talk’ to you when they feel the need. Jewish people feel and believe that when one dies and then a child is born into the family and she or he is named after that person; it does not have to be the exact English name, it can be the Hebrew name that the person had too along with the used English name; then the soul is resting in peace. My sister-in-law just had that done, her second great grandchild, a girl was given her Hebrew name which was Simcha, Shirley in English and the child is Simcha (meaning happiness, joy) and her English name is Charlotte. So dear and sweet Shirley is now resting in peace, which is what we believe. Charlotte when she grows up will be told who she is named after and what a good person Shirley was and how much she would have loved Charlotte.

I find it eerie that these discussions take effect at the sad moments the dying person has and is aware of. When my father-in-law was sick in the hospital, he had some goofy nurse attending to him one night. She came in and started to talk to this sick person about death and he would be at peace and blahblah. My sister-in-law, his daughter heard this and got rid of her fast as a bolt of lightning when she overheard this. She was right, he did not need to know these things, and the family would take care of him before and after.  The nurse said she was giving him the psychological aspects of dying. Well, as far as I am concerned, I am sure he was aware of what was going on and he need not have been overwhelmed with her psychology babble. When my mom was asked if she wanted to have life support, in those days, I do not believe there were end of death papers made by people, she definitely stated she wanted to live period. We would have done what she wanted, had the time come and that was the decision we would have had to make.

Other than that or having a legal paper on when to turn off the machines, I think it should not be talked about with the dying person. Let them think they will get better and maybe, a miracle will occur and it could happen.

My father-in-law got very agitated with this bumbling person with a nursing degree and especially the tone of voice she had when conversing with him. He was a smart man, he knew what was happening and he did not need a stranger in a white uniform try to influence this big decision. He had family there who cared about him and for him; it was their decision and choice.

My friend’s daughter to do this was not what I knew my dear friend would have wanted if she had not been so desperately sick and it had come upon her fast and furious. Her mom and dad lived to their late eighties and nineties; so I imagine she felt she would walk in their shoes too.

Choices we have to make and let us now speak about choices we have while on this earth. To be true, you must embrace the life that is calling you. There are three kinds of silence; I heard this on one of my soap operas today. Sometimes, you hear very worthwhile thoughts that are written by some fine writing talent for the actors to say. The first kind of silence is a happy silence which I would say is when something happens so great and beautiful, you just keep it to yourself for a while and then you tell everyone about it. Here is an example. When I got engaged in December 1959, we were riding down the street called Mc McCullough Street, going to a movie for the first part of our date that Sunday night. He gave me the ring as he was driving, not too romantic, but such a pretty ring. There were no cellphones in those days, so when he went to park the car and let me out in front of the movie theater, I walked a short walk to a public phone booth and called Mom and Dad to tell them of the good news. That was an example of a short silence which became a loud and happy silence.

The second kind of silence is a euphoric kind and that is what my first silence became-euphoric. I was engaged with a ring, to my beloved boyfriend, now my fiancé. The third silence is a sad one and that is what the hospital ones mentioned above are. They are ones you want to keep to yourself. When my dad had an operation and we expected everything would be fine; the mean surgeon who was known to have no bedside manner or kindness, but was the top general surgeon around in 1964, came out and said the dumbest and meanest thing he could have thought up. He said to Mom and me, my brother had gone for a second to get a cup of coffee, he said “there is good news and bad news. The good news is it was not Cancer, the bad news is that he just passed away.” There was no need for silence then, I started to cry and so did Mom and when my brother came back and heard of the way he told it to us, the doctor was lucky he had already departed and gone home. I would not have blamed my brother if he had hit him in his surgeon hands for being so nasty, mean and most of all, disrespectful to people who had just lost a loved one unexpectedly.

So out of the word silence, there are two that are wonderful and one that is sad. Hopefully, we will have the two silences for many more years and the one silence for a long time from now.

The saying that silence is golden has some merit to it, but I would rather have a loud and booming silence fade from silent to explosively happy.

I guess a psychologist would summarize the word silence a bit differently, but for now I will accept having a golden silence become an unsilence and move to become a euphoric happening between two persons or even more. I do not believe the word unsilence is a real word,  I just made it up to express the difference between a good silence sometimes and a better one that is no longer silent again

“Silence is a fence around wisdom” is an old Hebrew proverb. So when you deem silence is necessary for the situation, use your head and keep silent until you want others to know of it; when it is a euphoric silence, be in high spirits and elated and be silent no longer.

Silence is golden is kind of outdated now, we all speak our minds more easily than when I was a youngster or teenager. This is excellent most of the time, not to be silenced, but to voice golden opinions, is more productive than a golden silence. If you have children and also legal papers, be assured you will not get a sad conversation one day; believe and know that your smart and good child will take care of you as you took care of him or her. There will be no sad talks, because it will not be necessary.

The silence will be there and loving people there too. Do not think about it now, enjoy life, and enjoy euphoric times, golden days and most of all your life and living for a long, long and longer time.