Stephen And The Whole Self Elita Sohmer Clayman

For the second time in less than three years, I became a great, great Aunty to Charlotte and was already one to her brother, Stephen. They are the children of my great niece Paula. Paula had the good idea to be born on her Aunty’s birthday many years ago. Paula and Elita share that day and it kind of give them an aunty-niece bonding.

Stephen at a few months less three years of age is a beautiful and smart child. He says that he

“loves Charlotte, but does not like her whole self.” What a brilliant remark from such a young child. When my son was born, his sister was the opposite. She was four and all the kids in the neighborhood already had a brother or sister or maybe two or more; my Mom who was taking care of her while I was in the hospital, said she ran up and down the street and said “I have a brother.” 

Of course, she was a month away from being four and there is a difference between Stephen and my daughter of almost a year.

Did you ever know someone who you loved, a family member or a friend that you loved or liked, but did not like their whole self? You may have admired them for their education and their position in life as a professional person, but did not care for them as a nice person? When I use to go to Weight Watchers many years ago; there was a leader who was basically a really good person. However, when she got up to lecture, she injected too much about herself, rather than about us, who were there to get inspired to lose that awful weight. There was another one there on other days, that I frequented her classes more, that talked mostly about us and our desires and how they could be accomplished rather than about herself. True, they all inject cute tidbits about their families and that is nice because it moves us closer to each other as persons and not makes them stand there and be slender, while we are a bit too heavy. So I liked the second better and I liked her whole self. Her name is Donna Weitz and she and I still email because we are friends including the whole self. My whole self is slimmer, so I like me better too.

When I worked, I liked one of the partners better than the other one. I admired the other one for his advancement and smartness in running the business from a two employee firm in the beginning before my time, into a group of at least seventy-five employees. That took genius and even though the two of them did not attend college, they were very successful businessmen and honest ones too. The number one mentioned above had a smiling personality, but he liked to give a touch to the young girls and I did not care for that. I liked the other partner more because he appreciated intelligence and diligence in all of the employees who had those traits. I am sure he touched a few then too. It was their smart way of thinking themselves as studs as they were called in the 1950’s, even though they were married men. They did not harm anyone, so it was accepted, because they were the bosses and everyone needed a job.

I liked both of them and shall I say, not their whole self. We have relatives we feel that way about too. Mom had six in-law siblings and she found something nice to like about each of them in their own way.

One was a step sister-in-law, the second wife of her late beloved sister’s husband. She was a sweet and kind lady named Eve and everyone really could not help but like her. She always had a nice comment to say about everyone. I liked her a lot as a kid because she adored me and invited me to stay with her in Miami Beach, Florida for a month in 1948 and that was a gift from Heaven to a teen that had never traveled too far at age fourteen. Another sister-in-law to Mom was Jean and she was a bit snobbish, not because she was rich, it was just her manner, but she was hard to have a conversation with too. When she came to family dinners, she was the one who sat there and barely ate, which made everyone else seem like a bit piggish because they were enjoying the meals. Another one was Adele who was OK but she always had something to say a bit derogatory about everyone else. Then there was Louise, who was a deaf and non-able to talk person, though she could through sign language and she was a sweet person. Then there was Rosemarie who was a good soul and her bad thing was that she was a smoker and she kind of reeked from smoke; though a dear person.

So Mom liked them a lot, perhaps not their whole self, as little Stephen said.

When we had many different ballroom dance teachers in our thirty-three years of dance lessons; there were several we liked and admired more than others. Our first one encouraged us and cared about our progress a lot and really instilled in both of us (though husband would never admit this) that we could prosper and grow and become excellent dancers. We did through his energy and our perseverance. His name is Laurence Miller and we still email often, him and me, because he lives in Maine. Then we had one named John S. and he was OK and nice and tried to encourage us and he and I danced in competitions and I won trophies because he urged me on to compete a lot. My most current one, though we or I have not taken dance lessons for about five years, his name is John Dawson, and he is the epitome of encouragement, competency and kindness. In fact when Stephen and Charlotte’s mom and dad were preparing for their first ballroom dance at their wedding, I sent them to John for the usual wedding dance routine few lessons so they could show off their talent at their wedding and the first dance routine. They did very well and he had taught them to dance very satisfactorily. I hope to become my ‘whole self’ again soon, so I can dance with John Dawson next year in June in a competition, at age seventy-eight. If I get my whole self together from my physical therapy sessions that I am now engaging in for my aching knee and shoulder, then my whole self will be whole again.

Stephen, my first great, great nephew has that distinction with me, being my first great, great; and I see how intelligent he is when he made this remark about his new sister. In a year or two, they will become best buddies and play with each other and be glad they have one another. True, they will argue, fight, slap one another, but they will love each other including each other’s whole self.

In so doing, he will be like you and I, when we realize that we care about somebody, family or friends and it is OK to not always like them and their whole self. There are other attributes and distinctions we admire and we need them, regardless of that, because this is what family is all about. We love them unconditionally and even if they do not fall into the whole self-category, we still somehow care for them and hopefully they care for us. Perhaps, that will become whole one day.

Stephen, you almost three year old darling, little great, great nephew, even though I do not see you and I live so far away from you now, I look forward to one day in the near future, to meet you again and your sister Charlotte, because I know I already love you and her and your whole selves a lot.