Looking Both Ways

Looking back on the past year has been a journey into my very soul. It all started last January when Jimmy Page gave a sermon at church. One word, one year, one life. How hard could that be? My word would be Simplify. I wanted to downsize and get rid of clutter. I was excited to begin. But our great God has a sense of humor. He put the word Release on my heart and my world was turned upside down. Release what? That question haunted me. Was it the guilt over not being able to bring my firstborn into this world safely 31 years ago? Was it the guilt I felt over not being able to hold our family together after my mother died 23 years ago? Was it the jobs that I loved so much and defined who I was? Then came Jen Hatmaker, bless her sweet soul. At a women's weekend at the church, she shared her philosophy of 7 and how mankind can live on so little. So I read her book and got to work on releasing stuff...in closets, in the attic, in the outside sheds. A summer yard sale took away tons of stuff and netted about a hundred bucks. Donations to various organizations saw bags and boxes trucked off and I felt lighter and freer. Still Release haunted me. So I gave notice on my tutoring job after 23 years of service. And I gave up my beloved local column after 16 years of writing it. My husband and I even decided to move and leave what was familiar and start over. Really clean house. Unfortunately, after months of waiting and preparing and stressing and packing, it all fell through and a whole host of new problems arose. That journey wrecked my nuclear family and it has been quite a journey to move past it. That led to the bigger question Why? Why would that desire be placed on our hearts, only to have it dissolve like mist in the morning? The lesson learned was "Look for the lesson." And I have been, and I am learning it well. Would I have changed anything from this past year? No, because every trial we face on our journey makes us the person that God intends us to be. I believe that with my whole heart. There is not one thing in this world that He is not there for, holding us up, lifting us up, giving us the strength and courage to go on. So as the new year approaches, I have decided to write the word Release on a piece of paper and bury it in my yard. A symbolic gesture at best, but I am so done with that word! Praying for a new word in 2014, like Joy or Explore. We shall see...Wishing everyone who reads this blessings in the new year, and may your journey be one that enlightens you and brings a smile to your face.