Bullying And What To Do About It

By Kerry Rollins, LICSW

Most of us have witnessed it or been a victim of it at some point in our lives.  I can certainly remember the faces and names of a few targeted kids from my grammar school days. Bullying was a problem then and it's still a problem now.  However,with the advancement of technology and popularity of social networking sites, today's bullying is no longer confined to the playground.  It permeate all aspects of our children's lives, making it more dangerous than ever. Teaching your kids how to deal with a bully when they are young may help them develop the skills and confidence to manage more complicated social interactions as they get older.

What exactly is bullying?

Bullying is an intentional hostile behavior that involves any repeated written, verbal, electronic, or physical acts that cause either physical or emotional harm, damage to one's property, anxiety about future harm, a hostile environment, disruption to one's ability to learn or interference to their personal rights.

Bullying is not innocuous childhood behavior that one must endure.  The impacts of bullying can have long term effects and be quite serious.  Children that are bullied are more likely to have poor self esteem, miss school, suffer from somatic complaints, feel depressed or anxious, and think about suicide. 

So what do you do if you think your child is being bullied?

Most children will not tell their parents that they are being bullied. Sometimes they feel ashamed or don't believe the situation can be helped. You may need to talk with your child about school to learn more about their experiences.  It is important that you validate your child's feelings and take any reports of possible bullying seriously. Try to avoid blaming the victim.  Get all the details and let your child know that they did not do anything to deserve to be treated poorly.

Discuss and report bullying to the appropriate school staff.  Most states have some form of anti-bullying law.  In 2010, Massachusetts passed bullying legislation that included procedures for school staff to report bullying, respond appropriately to reports of bullying, address student's safety needs and notify parents of both the victim and perpetrator. 

You can also teach your child strategies to deal with bullies and protect them from becoming a target.  A disproportionate amount of victims struggle with learning, emotional or social skills deficits.  Helping your child learn to regulate their emotional responses and improve their social smarts can be helpful.  A qualified child psychotherapist can help your child develop these skills.

Dealing with bullies - Strategies you can teach your child

The following strategies have been suggested by Richard Lavoie in his book, It's So Much Work To Be Your Friend.  It is important to discuss each strategy and in which situations each should be used.  Have your child role play with a sibling, friend or adult several times before attempting to use the strategies. These techniques are meant to be used only for verbal teasing, not physical threats or aggression. 

Stay Calm - Minimize your emotional reaction.  Remain calm and in control.

Agreeing - Agree with the bully in an unemotional way. For example, “You’re right, I am tall.  I should stop growing”.  Key is to repeat the teasing verbatim.

Table Turning –   Before the teaser and his group start teasing you, you turn to them and say, “Hey guys.  So, what are you going to tease me about today?  My clothes, my glasses, my bag?  What’s it going to be?  I can’t wait to find out.”  This is used when the teasing is regular and predictable.

Assertiveness – This strategy is best done when there is no audience, only the teaser.  Stand straight and tall, move toward the teaser as you speak and make eye contact.  Be direct and tell how you feel and that you want them to stop.   Immediately break eye contact after speaking.  Example:  Mark, I don’t like it when you call me fat and put me down.  I want you to stop!”

Criticize the bully -  Embarrass the bully by criticizing something about him.  For example, if the bully always teases the child about being lousy in gym, the child can say, "Yeah, I may not be the best in gym but you do lousy in math." 

Finally, encourage your child to tell a trusted adult if they are being bullied.  Be sure they know who they can go to in their school