Online Dating: "Will You Go on a Pre-Date with Me?"

We are in the era where technology rules, time is precious, and money can be hard to come by.  Throw in a pair of lonely hearts looking for a lifetime of happiness, and you have the perfect concoction for potential frustration, anxiety, and bitterness with the online dating process.

In the days prior to online dating, where you actually met someone of interest at a bar, bookstore, or the milk aisle, being asked out on that inital first date served a greater purpose than it does in todays era.  The person being asked out was often a complete stranger, where a small connection based on first impressions were made.  Those first dates were met with excitment, anticipation, and all of the emotions that come along with exploring an unknown land.  You were seeking information, trying to get to know the other person, and looking for commonalities.  There often was little to no deep information or intimacy shared initially, and the relationships developed slowly, over time, as safe boundaries were laid out and vulnerabilities were tested. 

In the computer era, this is no more.  Online dating has opened up a world of possibilities, but along with that, has changed the way we date and evaluate potential partners.  Now, we scan hundreds of profiles, carefully scrutinizing pictures, reviewing answers to questions on such topics as religious beliefs, sexual promiscuity and behaviors, how many kids one wants, and what 5 items they would take to a deserted island.  Long gone are the days where this information slowly is leaked out over a glass of wine on the 6th, 8th, 10th date once an initial connection has already been established.

What we have here is a complete reversal of the dating process!  Initially, it went like this:  establish a connection, then investigate through dating if their is long term potential.  Nowadays, we first establish if there is potential for a relationship by reviewing online profiles and scrutinizing every detail of information, and then we grant a first date to determine if there is a connection! 

So why is it that we haven't changed the process of going on a first date to match the times?  First dates, especially bad ones, are agonizing.  For the male, they don't want to look cheap, but also don't want to spend money on a dinner when they don't know if they'll get a 2nd date.  For the female, often times they are looking for that initial 'spark', and have potentially been on 3 other dates that same week.  Both don't want to waste time or money that could better be spent elsewhere, being with people you know whose company you'd much rather enjoy. This is especially true if you are in month 3 or 6 of an online dating site membership, and have already had several failed first dates.

So here you are, having access already via their online profile to a good majority of intimate details about the person, and taking the next step to meet up.  Do you know that psychologists have researched that a first impression is solidly imprinted within the first 60 seconds of meeting someone?  Imagine having to spend 3 hours at a restaurant or movie theater with someone whom you've already determined you don't connect with, despite their well-written profile?  We do this all the time out of awkward politeness and passivity.  We stick out the date because it feels like there is no way out without being rude, and walk away at the end of it feeling miserable and like money/time/effort was just wasted. 

What I recommend is a more politically correct assertive stance, if you will, to going on that initial first date.  My solution?

How about a 'pre-date'?  Here are the rules:

1)  You get together with your suitor for 1 hour only, meeting over coffee or ice cream perhaps, or a casual walk in the park.  No big money to be thrown down, and the bill is easily split or the male can generously offer to pay if he would like without it breaking the piggy bank.Keep it to no more than $5 per person.

2) The pre-date is not scheduled for your big recreational times.  This is where you put yourself first and take care of your own needs.  For instance, no Friday or Saturday night pre-date where, if the date is a bust, you've wasted your one night out with friends to relax and have fun, or your one opportunity to go relax on the beach.

3) Remove the awkwardness and pressure felt at the end of the first date by not making a determination at that time as to whether or not there shall be a follow-up.  The hour simply ends with a pleasant, "It was really nice to meet you and perhaps (or I hope) we can do this again sometime soon."  This allows you to go back home, review the profile (you know you do!) and see if it all added up.  Then, in further communications via phone, followup plans can be made for the first 'real date' or casual emails of, "While I enjoyed meeting you, I'm not sure that we had enough of a connection to continue." can be sent.

The pre-date minimizes risks and adapts dating to the computer era, where you are approaching that first meetup already having significant access to that persons life story, and are now in search of something deeper and less definitive besides just the facts listed in their profile.  Now, you are focusing on whether or not you felt a connection through body language, good conversation, physical attraction, and unspoken chemistry.  All the while, you are also being true to yourself, validating your feelings, minimizing frustrations, and finding the energy and dedication to keep searching for your one true love.

One final thought: Not sure how to shift your suitors offer to take you out for a dinner on friday night without sounding rude? Simple. Forward him the link to this blog and suggest he/she read it! :) 

Tammy Greene is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor.  Please feel free to respond with related comments or questions to askTammyanything@gmail.com .   Also, if you have a topic that you would like to have addressed in the next blog, please submit a brief description. Tammy will pick one submission per week to respond to. You may also reach Tammy through her website at www.tgperspectives.com .  She is currently accepting new clients.