Question: Toddler Won't Take a Bath, Throws Tantrums

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Dear Moms Council,

My 3-year-old has recently decided she will not take a bath. She flat out refuses and throws tantrums any time we try to get her in the tub. This has gone on for a few weeks now and I am really worried. What can I do to entice her into the tub?

Vivian Merrill: Assuming nothing dramatic happened at the last bath she accepted, the three year old should not be in charge of this situation. I would start by asking her why she does not like taking a bath anymore. Maybe some soap got into her eyes and it stung, maybe she slipped and frightened herself in the tub, maybe she had a bad dream about something bad happening in the tub, or maybe she doesn’t like the temperature of the water, or the cold temperature of the air when she gets out of the water.  In the summer, did she have any fear of a swimming pool or other water activities?

If she gives you an answer like, “I just don’t want to”, then she needs to learn that this is not negotiable.  Explain to her that she does need to keep her body clean, just like you keep her clothes clean.  If she plays with a favorite toy, you may suggest she give that a bath-bathe the toy alone the first time, and perhaps get the two of them in the tub the second time.  Tell her she will be able to do an activity she likes if she takes her bath without any fuss.

Make it something simple, like not watching a TV show or a regular activity she likes, and then follow through! She will get to understand that in order to get what she wants, she must do what you ask.  Try taking the bath at a different time of day, she may be tired. Or maybe she’d like a shower better, or maybe playing with some toys or foaming soaps in the tub could distract her.  They used to make colored tablets you could put in the water that my kids enjoyed when they were this age. Try making it a game, and this phase should pass.

Julie Hickey: A 3-year-old is tough.  I don't know why people say "Terrible Twos" because I found my 3-year-olds tougher than when they were  2. Three year olds can be so demanding and so stubborn. If you read the books by the experts, they say that a 3 year old is all about controlling their world and pushing their parents and pushing all the limits. Yes, 3-year-olds do wake up in the morning and say to themselves "how can I control the world and how can I annoy my mother today?".  

My favorite book Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy by Louise Bates Ames describes this well and gives advice on living with a 3 year old. It saved my life as well as my children's lives. With a 3-year-old you have to show her who is in charge and it needs to be the mom. I remember when my children would throw a temper tantrums, I would tell them to go for it but I would also tell them it didn't change anything - and then I made sure it didn't. When they were done, they still didn't get what they were crying about. 

In this case, tell her the bath is still happening no matter what and when she calms down, lead her to the tub. Maybe you need to start this when you are not on a schedule, because there is no one more stubborn than a 3 year old. A tantrum is looking for an audience, so don't give it one. It will eventually stop.

Children do not want to have a temper tantrums; they do not want to be upset, so when they learn it doesn't get them their own way, they stop.  And if you try to find out why she doesn't want a bath - which you have probably already tried - be prepared for a reason you can not fix or for a reason that keeps changing because this behavior probably doesn't have anything to do with the bath and everything to do with her growing up and discovering her world and realizing she can't control it. It is the goal of a 3-year-old to push their mother. 

Sometimes a mother just has to force things. Show your daughter that this is just life, baths have to happen. When she comes to the bath without a fight, then reward her with maybe an extra bedtime story; children mostly want their parents' attention, so give her a little more as a reward.