National Eating Disorders Awareness Month, Came and Went

Something unusual happened this year; Eating Disorders Awareness Month came and went. I can’t remember a time when I was not involved in some type of event, from as simple as making bracelets to writing a three part story, in the hopes of bringing awareness to a misunderstood, deadly disease.

During February, I find myself reflecting on the highs and lows of my life and the lives of the many people I have come to know over the years. While I spent much of last month thinking of friends who are no longer with us due to this terrible illness, praying for those who are still struggling and being just downright grateful to exist...I did nothing.

How did I come to know the people I take pause to remember and reach out to throughout the year, particularly in February? Because, I spent years struggling with an eating disorder. We share the same common demon. Yet this year I found myself living. I was living more in the present and less in the past. I found myself truly engaged with people and in the world around me rather then with the disease that haunted me for years.

While happy I have reached a pivotal point in my life, I felt guilty for not being as active in raising awareness about the deadliness of eating disorders. I feel guilty for not writing about how my weight has gone up in the past year and while I do feel a little bad about it, I also kind of embrace it. I feel bad I did not make a point to write everyday about how grateful I am that I am on the other side….or about how terrified I am of falling back.

It may be hard to believe, but eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and affect more people than most realize therefore raising awareness is vital.

I am one of the fortunate ones. I am writing today about a topic we all want to steer clear of, a topic I want to steer clear of because let’s face it, as much we strive to remove the stigma of anorexia, bulimia and binge eating (only a few in the vast group of eating disorders)…there is shame. While I talk to new friends and other parents I find myself either belittling my past struggles or steering clear of the conversation altogether. Most people know I struggled with food, particularly from the series I wrote about eating disorders last year, but once I sense their insecurities, I stop talking or even worse... I make a joke. 

I am ashamed of my behaviors because eating disorders are not a joke. I am ashamed because I know most people do not understand the complexity of how the illness forms and how hard it is to remove yourself from its grasp.

There is nothing funny about berating yourself to the point of hospitalization and even death.

Eating disorders kill and they are striking young girls and boys at a far younger age then one could imagine. They killed more than a handful of my friends, something I do not talk about whether out of guilt for being one of the ones who made it through the revolving door of treatment, pain, or the reality I could have been one of those numbers.

Then there are times I want to forget that part of my life completely, how scary it was. How controlled my life was by food, or lack thereof. How scary my life once was but also COULD be at any given moment. I am like a deer in the headlights. I am always on guard; always looking to be sure, I am not going down “that” path again. Then I hear of another death, or another young life (they get younger and younger) admitted to an ICU unit barely alive all in a “need” to be thin.  Society simplifies one of the most complex diseases by terming it “as a need to be thin”, or “in control” but it is far more than that.

Eating disorders are not simply about control, we do not develop anorexia, bulimia, etc because celebrities are thinner then the average person. It is a proven deadly combination of genetic pre-disposition and a society that “pulls the trigger.”  

Trust me, those who have struggled with any form of an eating disorder would wish it away in a second. It is not about vanity. It is not about wanting, or thinking, we are better then the next person. It is a personal hell, or as renowned eating disorder therapist Hilde Bruch said, "It is a golden cage."

I was given a second chance at life, more than a second chance…my body is healthy, my mind is healthy, and I am healthy. My body was not compromised but many other parts of my life were. Countless friendships were cut short, relationships were strained and even broken, and I lost precious time with my son and my family. However, I am here to talk about it.

As we close out National Eating Disorders Awareness Month, I want to remind you of the slogan theNational Eating Disorders Association chose to use again this year, “Everybody Knows Somebody.” Sadly, that statement is all too true.

In honor of those who have passed away from this horrible illness, in honor of their families and in honor of every man, woman and child who has the courage to fight-please say something nice to yourself today. Please look at your body as the vessel it is, you are alive.

As a dear friend has said repeatedly, “you are beautiful because you are alive.” Please remember, regardless of your shape, eye color, hair color, etc…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE YOU ARE ALIVE!

Thank you for reading. Please be good to yourself.