Grocery Store Survival 101: Pay Attention Class

I'd like to introduce myself. I am the Tom Brady of grocery shopping.

No one knows how to navigate the grocery store landscape like I do. Elderly chatting in aisle 3? No problem. Just watch my footwork. Stocking the shelves during the busiest time of the day (don't get me started)? No problem.

With grocery stores often situated so close to each other my choice on which to shop at over the years was based on the time of year and how much sleep I got the night before. If I was busy at work and tired, there was no way I was going to Market Basket. Saving a few dollars wasn't worth the aggravation of a thousand people all seemingly with one goal: getting in my way. On those days, the quieter Stop&Shop was the wiser choice.

But in the quiet summer days Market Basket was my first choice. After all, why pay $2.79 for a gallon of milk at Shaw's or $2.69 at Stop&Shop when you can pay $2.49 at Market Basket. On those days I was better able to avoid the thousands trying to head me off at every turn.

It didn't take long to prove one of my early theories wrong. I assumed that Market Basket was the craziest of the stores to shop because the aisles must be narrower than Stop&Shop, Shaw's, or Whole Foods. Narrow aisles force shoppers closer together and make it difficult to maneuver. I was wrong.

Armed with a tape measure (ya, that was me) I started at Whole Foods. Their aisles are 7-feet wide. Then it was off to Stop&Shop. But their aisles were 7 feet 6 inches ... a half-foot wider. And Market Basket and Shaw's were the same, 7-6. I went to Stop&Shop the day before Thanksgiving and one thing became clear. With more bodies in the store, Stop&Shop is just as chaotic as Market Basket. And Whole Foods is lucky most people can't afford to shop there regularly.

The key to surviving the area's grocery stores is to think like a hockey player. Keep your eyes up, your head on a swivel. And anticipate the unexpected. Like all things, knowledge is key. If you read these suggestions and follow them everyone's shopping experience will be better. And more importantly, you won't irritate me.

Don't ever stop next to someone else's shopping cart. The cart, invented in Oklahoma in 1937 by Sylvan Goldman, is today 24 inches wide. If two of you stop next to each other that means a minimum of 4 feet in a 7-foot aisle. But it's never that easy. The two carts are separated by just enough space to make it impossible to get past. Unlike you, I have someplace better to be. Move it.

If you can't reach something on the top shelf, don't stand there waiting to grow an extra inch or two. It will take too long, it still won't be enough, and I'm pretty sure you stopped growing long ago anyway.

If you're shopping on the right, make sure your cart is on the right. You're one shopper so make up your mind. Go left or go right. By leaving your cart on the left and standing on the right looking for that gluten free, sugar free, taste free whatever it is, you'll block the entire aisle. Like politics, pick a side and stick with it.

This isn't an anti-elderly rant, since I'm closing in on that age myself. But if you're one of those women who insist on digging out the change from the bottom of your purse you're probably the same woman who spent 15 minutes (give or take) selecting a coffee a few weeks ago. First off, they're all the same. Secondly, have an idea before you approach whatever food item you're going to purchase. Have you seen those nature shows? The predator doesn't take a half-hour to grab its prey. So make like a hawk, not a sloth. Know what you want, swoop in, and grab it.

Sometimes grocery stores will test you by putting stand-alone displays in an aisle. Whatever you do, don't stop your cart next to the display and wander off to look for something. You'll block me and either force me to plow thru the display or stop and push your cart out of the way. I already have one cart. I don't need two. The correct practice is to stop your cart on the same side of the aisle as the display is.

I hope these suggestions help you as you navigate the aisles. Remember, you're not alone in the store. And remember too, that crazy-looking guy pushing a cart 30 mph down aisle 4 could be me. Get out of the way.

Photo by Anthony Albright via Flickr