How Do I Talk to My Children About Bullying?

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of local parents takes your questions, gives advice and shares solutions.

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation today with a question that is on the forefront of many parents’ minds, especially with a seminar on this topic tonight at : How do I teach my child about bullying, and how do I deal with any issues that may arise?

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Kat Lynch: The question that I'd love to ask is whether parents of a bullied child should contact the bullying child's parent. Have parents found it effective? Are the bully's parents receptive or not? If it is ever the case that my son is bullying other kids, I would absolutely want to hear from parents so I could work with him to stop the behavior. Being able to discuss with the victim's parents would be a valuable way to verify progress.

Miles is 4, and we haven't had an experience yet with "classic" bullying — just the toddler-biting phase. At his age, the most effective tool we found was to personalize the feelings of others ("How does it make you feel if someone bites you?") so he could understand that his actions made another child feel bad/hurt.

Maryann Murray: I think this is a great question. I have to say that one of my sons was not bullied this year but was victim of improper behavior from a younger child, and I was a little upset that the person in charge did not want to tell the child's parent. I think they should have been made aware of the fact that their child at this young age did something completely inappropriate. I think the parents should know if their child is bullying or at the beginning stages of becoming a bully. I would want to know.

Lindsay Barnes-Felix: Being on the Council as a parent representative, North Reading’s Bullying Prevention and Intervention Plan was an immediate agenda item as well as in the forefront of parents’ minds. The collaborative effort between North Reading’s public schools, the School Committee and the community showed the commitment to and seriousness of this topic.

Through the experiences we have had with my oldest son, I believe perception plays a very important role on defining “bullying.” Whether one is bullying or being bullied, or perceives either, calls for an immediate discussion in our home and with the responsible adult where the incident may have taken place, with the parents of the children involved. Appropriate action is swiftly expected. We try to understand the situation at hand and always look at every point of view. This comes with experience and was not always the case. 

I personally believe that open communication, patience and positive reinforcement are key when addressing the bullying issue with my three children. The confidence I have in the North Reading bullying plan is the type of support needed as a parent to properly deal with this issue within our community, and I truly believe the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" holds true when having to address bullying with our children.

Tracy Evans: On the question of “whether parents of a bullied child should contact the bullying child’s parent,” my first answer is yes (if my child is the bully). My second answer is, “I don’t know how to effectively approach the parent of a bully” (when my child is the victim). If my child is being the aggressor, I want to know; please tell me. As the parent, I am responsible for curbing bad behavior in my 2-year-old and helping him learn how to manage both anger and frustration. My husband and I are responsible to teach him how to treat all people with kindness and respect.

I find it very difficult to communicate with another parent about what I may perceive as bad behavior or bullying in their child/children. I do not know the best way to do this without it sounding confrontational, awkward, attacking or hurtful, or anything less than wonderful. Who wants to hear negative feedback abut their child? Unless, of course, I have a very good relationship with those parents, and I know they will hear the good intention and not just an insult, I have thus far kept my mouth shut. 

Unfortunately, we have already had three incidents in our neighborhood where an older child was engaging in both verbal and physical aggression toward my 2-year-old son (alarming, but true). The first time I did not react; I thought, “Boys will be boys.” The second time, I thought, “Wow, this is starting to concern me.” And the last and third time, I was certain I was witnessing the beginning of a neighborhood bully. And I did nothing. I felt sad for my son, because I knew I had to remove him from exposure to this poor treatment, which meant limiting his playtime with this child. I am relieved to know about the North Reading bullying plan (for when my son is old enough to attend school) because confronting aggressors is very difficult, and it is a lifelong skill that both children and adults will continually be challenged to learn, and we need help. 

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Continue the discussion

Dr. Elizabeth Englander of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center will present an anti-bullying seminar today at at 6:30 p.m. You can read more about the meeting in the coming days on North Reading Patch.

Suggested websites:

www.MARCcenter.org

www.safeyouth.org

www.kidshealth.org

www.stopbullynow.hrsa.gov

www.familyinternet.about.com

www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.org

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Meet the North Reading Patch Moms Council:

Lindsay Barnes-Felix was born in Lynn and raised in Nahant prior to moving to North Reading in 1989. Lindsay is a stay-at-home mom with three children: Chadem and Ethan, who both currently attend the L.D. Batchelder School, and Madelyn, who attends Hilltop Nursery School. She is the wife of Sean Felix, who is employed by Koch Membrane. Lindsay is an avid volunteer in the North Reading community, currently serving on the North Reading Food Pantry Board and is the North Reading Food Pantry webmaster. She also serves on the L.D. Batchelder School Council as a parent representative. She also is a parent volunteer and newsletter editor from 2009-2011 at the Church of St. Theresa, and a continued volunteer and supporter of the BPO (L.D. Batchelder School Parents Organization).

Gillian Casey is a 1993 North Reading High School graduate who is a mother of 3- and 5-year-old boys who still manages to hold down a full-time job in Boston in the marketing business. Gillian telecommutes whenever she can and thinks that work-life balance is an unattainable dream that she will keep aspiring toward anyway.

Tracy Evans was born in Los Angeles. Her parents, both teachers, adopted four children into a loving family that valued education, equality and a spirit of adventure. At age 2, the family moved to the Philippines, and Tracy became one of the youngest Peace Corps members at that time. She grew up in California, graduated from Our Lady of Corvallis High School in Studio City, and went on to study English literature at California State University Northridge. During college she worked as a medical secretary for the Perinatal Unit at Saint Joseph Medical Center. She moved to Boston in 1997, and by 2003 she completed her master's degree in public health from Boston University School of Public Health. While in Massachusetts, she has worked as a patient advocate at a private psychiatric hospital, as a research coordinator for the Women's Health Research Unit at Boston University Medical Center, and as a health educator to numerous patients. Tracy has been with the Massachusetts Department of Public Health's Heart Disease and Stroke Prevention and Control Program for six years as its program coordinator. She is the loving wife to Eric Evans, a financial adviser with Edward Jones, and is a busy parent to Blaine Evans, an extremely active and curious 2-year-old little boy.

Christine Emma Hatch grew up in Medford and bought a house and moved to North Reading with her husband, Brian, five years ago. Christine and her husband have been married for six years and are parents to a beautiful 2-year-old girl, Emma. Christine is the unit nurse leader of the Phototherapy Unit in Dermatology at Massachusetts General Hospital. She began her nursing career at the hospital almost nine years ago. Christine has spoken nationally at the Dermatology Nursing Association Meetings and won the Joan Clark Nursing Award last year.

Kat Lynch grew up in Indiana and moved to Massachusetts in 1998. She and her husband Tim have lived in North Reading since 2004, and are the parents of a smart and sassy 4-year-old boy, Miles. Kat has worked in market research and competitive intelligence for the pharmaceutical industry for more than a decade. Currently, she freelances for several clients while preparing for a career change to become a registered dietitian. Kat blogs about food and nutrition topics weekly at EatingTheWeek.com.

Maryann Murray grew up in North Reading and is a 1989 graduate of the high school. She moved back to town about four years ago. Being a city resident, her husband liked North Reading’s community feel, Maryann said, adding that she loved the school system and her family still lives in town. She has three boys, ages 7, 5 and 3. She also has two little dogs and a cat. Maryann works part time as an accountant.