Is this all there is?

I've hit mid-life and I'm annoyed.

Yes, annoyed at my midsection, my strangely dry skin patches, my fatigue, my dog, my kids and my husband.

As a teenager, I wistfully dreamt of adulthood and its seemingly easier existence. I'd be in charge then, I'd have the house, the car, the family and an exhilarating job. The drama of teendom would be in the rearview mirror of my mini-van and I'd experience true happiness. I'm still waiting for that last part to kick in. 

Sure, I have the home, family and job (minus the exhilaration). But, contentment? I'm not sure. I'm still working for "the man." I've got bills, indigestion, and wrinkling hands. I'm answering emails, voicemail, text messages and Facebook. I'm grading papers, cooking dinner and shuttling children to lessons. You know the drill—you're doing it too.

I always thought that the proverbial mid-life crisis was reserved for men and their red sports cars, but I'm finding my gender is part of the fun as well. Maybe we ladies don't need a fast car to reclaim our youth—it seems we turn to hair coloring and Botox instead. But more than the quest to go back in time, what many mid-lifers share is the nagging question "is this all there is?"

This question is quickly followed by, "isn't this enough?" I feel petty when I look at my blessed life and want more, but I can't help it. The problem is, I don't know what "more" is. It certainly isn’t “stuff.” It’s a feeling I’m after. My husband and I talk about what we call the contentment equation. Happiness is subjective and elusive. Contentment assumes a lack of perfection and a balance of emotions. So, we aim for that type of satisfaction.

But, maybe the joke is on us. Perhaps this human life is really about evolving internally and not so much about reaching that island on the far off shore we think represents the pinnacle of Zen. Maybe the mid-life crisis is really about finally understanding that there is no dreamy happy place that we think we've been working towards during the first half of our lives—this is, in fact, it, and we had better dig deeper into ourselves to find peace with today.

I'm heading to the dermatologist about my dry patches tomorrow. I'm sure she'll just tell me it's normal for mid-life and the changing hormones leading up to menopause. Maybe I'll ask her if this is all there is. She'll probably just tell me that no, this is not all there is. There are brown spots, hot flashes, and awfully long chin hair in my future. Now, that doesn't make me happy.

If you've been feeling the mid-life malaise, please share your thoughts below. Let's talk about it.